The Beginning and the Memory// 13RW

02 Hannah's Tapes

I looked out the huge window in my dining room at the dark night, thinking about Hannah again and wishing that Jeff was still here. Both of their deaths were my fault. I wasn't there for Hannah, and I knew she was going through a hard time. And I allowed Jeff to drive, knowing that he and I had both been drinking.
    "Sweetie, the doctor called today."
    I looked at my mother's reflection in the window, a look of hope on her face.
    "They said physical therapy can help you, and maybe you can eventually walk again if you keep with it," she told me excitedly, rubbing my shoulders.
    "Do you really think so, mom?" I asked, my voice shaking. "It doesn't feel like physical therapy is going to help anything at this point."
    She sighed, bending down to be eye level with me, "you have to really try, and believe that it can, Emm," she paused, "I believe it can."
    I looked away from the window and nodded, "Okay."
    She smiled and kissed my cheek, "you start tomorrow. Get some sleep, sweetheart."
    "Okay, goodnight, mom."
    "Goodnight sweetie," she turned away and walked up the stairs.
    I sat there a few moments longer before there was a knock at my front door. I went to answer it, and there stood a distraught looking Clay holding a shoebox in his arms.
    "Clay, what are you doing here?"
    "I know it's crazy," he told me, trying to catch his breath, "but you were wondering how Hannah could have done this and why? Here," he sat the box into my lap.
    "What is this," I mumbled, fingering through the designed tapes. I pulled the first one out, it had the number 1 painted on it in blue nail polish.
    "Hannah's Reasons."
    My heart sped up as I looked through them. There were 7 double sided tapes.
    "You can listen to all of them if you want, but if you wanna know which ones yours, skip to number 12." Clay let out a long breath, "I gotta go."
     "Clay, wait!" I called after him, but he had already hopped onto his bike and began riding down the street.
    I sighed, closing the door and wheeling over to the dining room table. I set the box onto the table and grabbed the Walkman from it, concentrating as I popped tape number one in, closing it and pressing play.

    "Hey, it's Hannah."

    I quickly pushed the stop button, having a mini heart attack. I took a deep breath, looking around to make sure my mom hadn't came downstairs to see what was going on.
    I placed the walkman back into the box, pulled it into my lap, and went to my room.
    I turned on my desk lamp, setting the box on the desk and plugging my headphones into the Walkman so I could listen to it without my mom hearing it. I rewound the tape, then pressed play.

    "Hey, it's Hannah. Hannah Baker. Don't adjust your.. whatever device you're hearing this on. It's me. Live and in stereo. No return engagements. No encore. And this time absolutely no requests.
Grab a snack. Settle in. Cause I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended.
And if you're listening to this tape, you're one of the reasons why."

I took a deep, shaky breath- not being able to completely wrap my mind around the fact that I was listening to Hannah's voice on this tape. The only way I would ever hear her voice again. And I was on one of these tapes as one of the reasons why she ended her life.
I prepared myself for the worst, taking several deep breaths as I listened to Hannah tell her story.

    I listened to the first tape and side A of the second tape that night before I stopped and went to bed. I had heard all of these reasons before, when Hannah and I first hung out, she told me everything about Justin and the picture, Jessica and Alex dropping her because they started dating and Jessica blaming Hannah for their breakup. I had thought she had gotten over these things when we were friends.
    I sighed, taking my earbuds out of my ears and placing the Walkman into the shoebox- pushing it under my bed before I struggled to get myself into bed.
    Once I got settled in, I stared at my ceiling and began to cry. So many emotions were going through me, and I didn't know how to handle it. I wanted more than anything for someone to be there with me, to comfort me, but I had no one now.