Splendid Ignorance

1985

Darcey and I had broken up in November. Almost five months after we had started dating. Only five months. Why did those five months have such a lasting impact upon me? I think I knew. She was my first love. But, why would that matter?

The night at the Civic Theater I had hope. The next day, I could feel the relationship ending. Like holding onto a drowning man that you could not pull back into the boat. I could feel me sinking, not being able to stay afloat; the panic of not being able to see the shore. I was the drowning man trying to save myself.

The next day I had called her again. I had called her earlier and had left a message with her Mom. I was told that Darcey was sleeping. It was a Sunday and had been only ten in the morning. Now it was mid afternoon and all I was getting was a busy signal. This kept on until about early evening when I finally got through.

"Hello?" It was Darcey's sister.

"Hi Rachel, is Darcey there?" I asked.

"Uh, yeah." Distraction. "Oh. Uh, she can't come to the phone right now. Can she call you back later?"

"Sure." And we hung up. However, I held on to the receiver and tried to force myself not to become too paranoid and read into the situation. I could feel a sensation of sadness creep up and my eyes moisten. I chuckled at the silliness of it. So, Darcey, I don't take things seriously? She was wrong, of course. I never changed? She was wrong again, I had changed. I used to laugh. I blinked as I tried to think of when the last time was that I had laughed. Truly laughed.

Ever notice comedians never laugh? I mean, really laugh. They smile, wide, and smile, all teeth. They laugh, but it is a silent chuckle, or a radio jockey's morning show guffaw. Canned. Practiced and professional. Never an expression of hilarity - carefree - from the depths of the soul - never any gaiety. Carefree - for and of themselves. Why? Because there is too much pain. Their joy and fulfillment come in hearing the laughter of others. Hearing others laugh fills a void. For a comedian has heard everything but laughter from those around them all their life.

I realized I hadn't laughed in a long time. I also realized I had not heard laughter either. It had been very quiet. Silent, in fact. Like the phone in my hand.

She did call a few hours later. I had fallen asleep by the phone. I had gotten stubborn. I wanted to see how long before it rang with her on the other end. The thought had crossed my mind before I drifted off about what it would have been like if this were 100 years ago. I would have had to possibly wait weeks for a letter reply from her. I couldn't sleep that long. That got a chuckle from me. A start. Of course, the humor was rooted in a sense of loss and personal tragedy. I should be a comedian.

Darcey and I talked, but nothing was truly resolved although I was blind to that fact at the time. And, what doesn't get resolved usually gets worse. That's some law of nature, I'm certain; logged away with other bits of facts that I soon dismiss upon hearing until their application is ever so real to me. Therefore, after I hung up the phone with Darcey, I was under the impression that things had been resolved and we were on the mend. I should have known better, but this revelation would not be revealed for another week. However, during the next week I was happily deluded. I believe Darcey was too. Splendid IgCharlottence. Perhaps things could have improved? Perhaps they could have lasted? Perhaps we made some misstep that led us on a trajectory of failure that could have been prevented? Perhaps that is why I revisit the past so often; reliving it, redoing alternative histories in my mind? Asking myself the greatest question of all:

What if?

What if I had not accepted an invitation to go out with my old group on November 5, 1985? What if I had not called Darcey to join us in spite of Iggy and Wanda protesting? They had wanted to see me; to hand out with just me. It had been five months since I had really hung out with my friends like we had in the past, what seemed like eons ago. P.M. Pre-Darcey. It had been five months since Darcey and I had our first date at the beginning of summer. It had been warm and sunny then. The weather now was wet, grey and cold. Symbolism at its finest.