Splendid Ignorance

2015

The night of the accident was one that happened in a moment of immediate tragedy. On the road. Off the road. Blackness. Light. Pain. Sounds. Smells. Silence. Then I saw her in the bed as they wheeled me into the room. I could have walked but they had insisted that they push me in the wheelchair. Rules and regulations. Safety.

I didn't hate God. I didn't even really question Him and shout out 'why'? I knew why. I had taken the curve too fast, been changing the track on the CD. I did ask why it had been Flora in a coma and not me. That question did come, and often. Guilt and regret are powerful companions and are a torrent that can carry the unguarded and ungrounded down into the depths very fast and often without warning.

As the years wore on I still could still feel the pang of guilt, but it was becoming a distant hurt. It was a scar and I knew it would always be there, but it was healing. And it was in the past. That memory was eclipsed by what was happing now.

"I love you." I said as the weight of her body bore down on my arm and she rose. She had a few more feet to go and we took the few steps slowly. It took much of her strength before she could rest again. When she was seated I went back to get the other chair. I brought it next to her and set it down. She looked at me and smiled. I could tell she was tired, but she was also happy. So was I.

"I'll be right back." I walked back to the car and got the bag and the drinks. As I approached she turned slightly toward me.

"This is so nice. I love you too." Flora said.

"Thank you. Are you OK? Is this too much?"

"No. It is perfect." Flora said as I sat down next to her and opened the bag.

We sat quietly and ate convenient store hot dogs, much fresher than the ones from our honeymoon night. We didn't have nachos this time, but we did have two fountain drinks that we sipped as we looked out at the setting sun and held each other's hand.

The pain and suffering. The love and joy. They intertwine. At times we remember one and forget the other. Sometimes we can dwell on those moments that have caused pain and regret so much that we forget the love and joy that surrounds us. Why? Well, a high five or a slap in the face? What do you think you will remember more the next day? The next decade? We tend to comfort others out of our pain and suffering more than we encourage from our moments of happiness and joy. Those hard moments leave such a powerful impression on us. There are the other, softer things that we experience that can be just as powerful and probably more important. How can we forget those so easily? How are they so easily eclipsed? Joy often slips into our lives and quietly resides in the corners of our hearts and minds. Pain, on the other hand, barges in and if it leaves it often does so with the door slamming shut or hanging wide open to the harsh elements. Perhaps we should strive to share those joyful times with others and not keep them stored away. We need to take them out, put them on the shelf and dust them off often, with the music playing loud.

Paradox is baffling but it can be so beautiful. The pain and the joy. I've grown from both. The better and the worse. For the better.

And her hand held mine.