Splendid Ignorance

1998

The next chance meeting with Darcey after that rainy day on campus under the double rainbow was after Flora and I had been married for almost seven years. Flora and I had gone downtown to the rib burn-off and were walking along when I heard my name called. When I turned, I saw Darcey. It was a surreal moment. It seemed as though I had just seen her drive off as the rain began to start again. My heart stopped as I remembered who I was now, as well as who I was with. I turned to Flora and then to Darcey. Darcey was, but for some reason I was sure she was with someone. I had not mentioned Darcey to Flora except in casual reference. So, a quick presence of mind preserved my tact and I introduced the two women.

"Flora, this is Darcey. I went to high school with her." I said. They shook hands. The past and the present converged. The universe did not split asunder, so I exhaled a sigh of relief in my mind.

"It's nice to meet you." Said my wife.

"Nice to meet you too." Said Darcey.

Darcey had a big smile on her face. I felt awkward. I felt ashamed. For some reason, I felt ashamed. Not of Flora or of being married, but of Darcey. At that moment she seemed so small and insignificant. Yet, I knew the power I had given to her memory in my life.

"How have you been?" I said.

"Good. I'm teaching second graders."

"Oh, you're a teacher?" Flora said.

"Yeah. I love it. Did you get your degree?" Darcey asked me. It was like she knew. I felt a small rise in anger. It seemed like the game was afoot.

"No. I quit." I said, and then quickly added, "I'm going back though." A little bit of the past tense. I little bit of the future. Nothing of the present. I felt shame overshadow anger.

"He's going part-time now." Flora added with a nod to the present. "We hope that will change so he can finish up."

"Really?" Darcey smiled. "What are you going to get? Are you still in communications?"

"No, I'm going into education too." I said.

"High school English." Flora offered. I felt a strange vibe.

"Well, good for you." Darcey had a hint of patronization in her voice. At least that is what I perceived. I felt certain that Flora must have picked up on it too.

Flora put her arm in mine. "It was nice to meet you. Enjoy the rest of your day." Thus putting a closure on the encounter. Yet, the strange vibe continued like warning clouds on the horizon. Something was brewing. I knew that Darcey had the upper hand. For some reason, the years had tempered her in a strange way.

"It was nice seeing you again. I better move along. My date is over by the bandstand waiting for me. I'm sure we'll run into one another again in the future." She smiled and with that she left.

I was wrong. Flora hadn't picked up on the awkwardness. Of course, there was no history for her to attach meaning to. It was just a chance meeting with an old high school chum. I wondered about the encounter. Was it really just two people seeing each other that hadn't seen each other in a long while? I wondered if it were just my perception that had built meaning into moments that held nothing more than what was on the surface? A chance meeting, a passing moment.

Flora and I walked around the barbeque stands and attractions, and I reflected on what had just happened. There was not any blatant malevolence in Darcey's tone or words, was there? I was not certain, but I had felt something strange in the subtext of that encounter. Something more than a casual passing of old acquaintances. Was it just me? I couldn't settle on an answer to that question.

As Flora and I made our way through the crowd to hear the 80's cover band, "Paisley Park", I caught one more glimpse of Darcey. I could not tell who she was with but as she was about to pass out of view around the bandstand she turned and her eyes immediately found me and locked together with mine. The band launched into a classic Thompson Twins song as the crowd passed into our line of sight. When I looked back after a clearing opened Darcey was gone.

The encounter haunted me all night. On the way home, Flora noticed I was distracted and asked me about it. I wasn't sure how to answer her.

"I feel foolish, Liz." I said.

"You want to talk about it?" She asked. After a moment of silence she continued, "You can tell me. Was it meeting your old friend from high school today at the burn-off?" I glanced at her. Perhaps she had sensed the situation after all? "What was her name, Darcey?"

"Yes. And yes." I confessed.

"I kind of thought so. Did you guys date or something?" Flora said. There was no judgment in her voice.

"Yeah. We went out for like five months my senior year. She was my first real girlfriend. Actually, she was my only girlfriend in high school." I said. It felt good to get it out in the open. Flora smiled and studied me. When we stopped at a red light she finally spoke.

"I understand. There is always a kind of tender spot for your first love."

"I guess so." I said. While Flora sounded genuine in her tone, I was beginning to feel awkward.

"Can I ask you a question?" She said.

"Of course." The awkwardness needle about sprung off the meter as I anticipated her question.

"Did it end badly?"

Honestly is the best policy, right? OK. "Yes." I said and continued, "And if you want to know, it was my fault."

"I guess you carry a bit of guilt for it?" Flora said. She reached over and took hold of my hand. I looked down quickly at our hands as they clasped one another. Unity.

"Actually, I carry a lot of guilt for it. Too much really." I confessed. Honesty is the best policy.

That night was my first confession to Flora about my obsession with the past. She didn't push for details. I think she felt that my comments were an adequate confession to alleviate my burden of guilt. I wish they had been for me.

I wish I would have asked for prayer or suggested we go somewhere quiet, perhaps grab a bite to eat in a restaurant or go to a park and talk some more, or all the above; eat, talk, pray. But, I smiled and stayed silent. I looked over into her eyes that said, 'I hope everything is all right now'. Those trusting eyes. I looked into them a moment longer. I looked away. Then, I looked back to a time that did not exist any longer and I longed for it. It was crazy. And inside I hated myself for it. I felt the age-old guilt come back up to the surface. I let myself experience it for a few moments and then I tucked it away again, safe and secure. There was something in me that felt comforted that it was still there, that I hadn't lost it. It was intact. It seemed to be a sign that I was human. That I could feel. Regardless of the quality of the emotion, I could feel. The old me was still alive. At that moment I was comforted by that thought. Sadly, I could not smell the stench of that corpse.