Splendid Ignorance

2000

I had been 31 when I saw Darcey at the rib burn-off. It was now November, well into the new millennium when I saw her again. I was 33 now. However, age was meaningless. It had been 15 years since our breakup. I was alone. She was single. She told me she had gotten a divorce a year before. It had been a short marriage. She had come to the book store looking for some children's books for her class. I was looking for a book to distract me. We chit-chatted and then moved over to the café for some coffee and to catch up with one another. I felt I was in a strong place. I felt that things had been buried and I had forgotten about them. And here I was staring into the eyes of the past. It was alive. 'The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak'.

"You've been married how long?" She smiled as she blew on her coffee to cool it.

"Nine years." I said.

"Wow! Mine lasted almost one." She looked a little disappointed. How sad I thought and something in me wanted to comment about her inability to have a long-term relationship, but I didn't know her full story. I was just feeling a little haughty. I have finally done something better than Darcey. 'Pride comes before the fall'.

"Why did it end?" I asked and then immediately regretted it. I didn't want to know. I didn't want any more memories with her. I wanted to get up, excuse myself, and extract myself from any more entanglement with Darcey. But I sat still and waited for her to answer.

And I listened. And I felt my resolve erode. And I felt myself slide down the slope. She didn't reveal much. We didn't talk about anything of real substance. It could have, it may have been safe, but my guard had been let down. Safety actually is such a relative term. You can be safely standing in a field and suddenly be struck by lightning. Kaboom! My shield had been lowered and unbeknownst to me a fiery dart had gotten through.

As we finished our coffee and our conversation, I walked with her out of the store. She had bought a few books for her class and I was too distracted to buy anything. We stood for an awkward moment as a few drops of rain began to fall. Another parking lot. Another rainy day. Irony at its finest.

"Where did you park?" I asked.

"Way over there." She pointed to the far row of cars on the other side of the lot. "I didn't know that it would rain."

"Well, I'm right there." I pointed to a car in the first space after the one for expectant mothers. "I can give you a ride."

"Sure." She said.

The thought flitted across my mind, 'time can be changed' as we got into my car. As I drove the short distance across the lot, I thought about my silence after the last car ride with Darcey. When I stopped in front of Darcey's car, we sat in awkward silence for a minute. I wondered if she was thinking of words that she wanted to say but remained unspoken, like the ones that I had wanted to say when she had driven me to my car in the rain over 13 years ago. Things were different then. I had no wife, then. I had no faith, then.

"Darcey?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

"I forgive you. I did long ago."

"Why did we let so much time pass by?"

"I don't know. I never really thought about it. It just happened." She said.

"I tell you that I think about it all the time." I didn't want to look at her. All my heart screamed to shut up and my mind seemed to want to agree, but I turned. Darcey was looking at me. I wasn't sure what those eyes were saying. They were trying to say something.

"Do you still love me?" She asked.

That was what I was afraid those eyes were saying, and it was a moment before I realized that she had actually asked me that question.

There was a feeling that stirred within me. I had heard before not to trust my feelings but it was so strong. It was a feeling of fear. I was not drifting far from shore, aimlessly, I was sinking. I had sunk. There was no more air where I was going. Something snapped.

"You need to leave. You need to go now." I spoke those words automatically, out of self-preservation. I wanted to survive. I didn't want to drown in the past.

"What?" I had not shouted, but my words were forceful. They were my 'I AM' moment. She was taken aback by my words. She looked at me once more, reached for the handle of the car door and paused.

I wanted to speak again. Now I was fully aware of what was going on. She had to go. But, time seemed frozen with her holding on the car door handle. The rain pelted down and then increased in intensity creating a veil on the windshield that seemed to isolate us from the rest of the world. The echo of rain pounding sounded like marbles shattering on the sidewalk. Time stood still.

"I still love you."

Time began again. She opened the door and disappeared into the veil of rain. The door shut. The windows were enveloped in a film of steam that was more than a veil. It was suffocating. I was entombed.

It had been me that had spoken.

I had started the day standing on the Rock. Now, I was chained to some other rock. Waiting for the birds of prey to descent upon me.