When Hermione Fights

Seeing Reason and Realisations

Chapter beta: my darling Dani

Chapter translator: Aivy

Next week my co-translator will be back! Woohoo!

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I entered the Hall after Snape, who apparently had shooed Harry away. You had to give him credit, he didn't show the slightest bit of pain in his posture as he swept down the aisle dramatically in his billowy robes. What a proud man. He reminded me of my own stubbornness. I caught Harry's worried look, who followed Snape suspiciously, then looked at me excitedly, but before he could say anything I was faster:

"Not here, Harry. Later, in the Room!" I whispered, sitting down wearily on the bench.

"What does she mean, Harry?" Ron asked, chomping.

"Nothing, Ron. She just wants to show me a spell!" Harry made me speechless as I assumed he had seen my name next to Snape's in his room. Nonetheless, I gratefully accepted the reprieve.

I noticed Dean, Seamus, Lav, Pav, and Neville eying me carefully and I got venomous looks from Ginny across the table. But that did not bother me at all, the events with Snape went around in my head.

Oh goddess, that had been a near thing; he had lost too much blood! Why didn't that stubborn bastard just apparate after getting injured? Why did he have to collect his troops and continue to fight with these injuries until he had eliminated two of the three Order members? Whatever that meant, I had not asked, because if they were dead, I would find out soon enough. Now I searched my conscience meticulously: Would it affect me?

I shrugged as I tasted the hot, strong coffee on my tongue and drank it greedily, and there came the realisation! No, I didn't care what could have happened to Tonks, Moody and Shacklebolt. It was different when the possibility of Snape or Draco getting hurt came to my mind. And yes, I admitted in the privacy of my mind, I didn't want to lose Snape! Why deny it to myself? I enjoyed the company of this difficult, complex man more and more. He had become a mentor to me in many ways, whom I admired and to whom I owed so much.

I would never say, ask or admit it openly, but I would like to know if he himself knew whom he was loyal to? Who he served? Who owned his loyalty? Though from what I knew about the members of my new family, it was probably more along the line of: 'I stand on my own side or on my family's side and the rest can be handled as necessary.' Flexibility in all circumstances seemed to be the motto. And if I was one thing, that thing was flexible.

I would submit to this dictate, I didn't really have a choice. There were not many alternative ways open to me. Some wouldn't understand that, but let's be realistic, shockingly open and honest: As soon as Lucius and Snape found out that I was a member of the Malfoy family, both wouldn't give me many means and opportunities to decide freely about my own life. I had the protection of a powerful family and distinguished, important men, but I would become a plaything to them. They had all already claimed me in one way or another. My fear that Snape would lose his inhibitions following these new insights didn't make it any easier for me or make me feel any better.

Draco should not be forgotten either. He was an impressive personality if he wanted to be, and that was the problem: he didn't always want to, but more often than not. This young man had power in abundance, you could feel that and sometimes, when he paraded his superiority in his common room, he could scare me more than Snape or Lucius when he bit me, but that wasn't something that I would ever admit. These two men had done everything they could to make Draco a worthy successor and he had done everything to absorb only the best of both men, and combined it!