When Hermione Fights

Railing Against Fate

Chapter beta: Dani

Chapter translator: Aivy

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After I had quarreled with myself and railed against my fate, yada yada yada... I had kicked my own arse mentally, annoyed by myself, realizing that it was my fault. I hated people who complained afterwards. No, I didn't like them and I didn't want to be one of them.

After that, it wasn't long until I picked myself up again and started to undress. I tore the dress off my body and wrapped myself in my sleep robe. Today, I wouldn't leave - Stop! I took off the sleeping robe again and now stepped into a long dress, which was made of a light, airy, grey fabric, but fell down on me in a minimalist way, with half-length sleeves and a high-neck. At second glance, it reminded me of a potato sack with a braided belt around the middle that emphasized my waist. But it was exactly what I wanted. Yes, once more I wanted to cover myself and after the thought occurred to me that a newly widowed wizard might call for me in a rage - I could picture it clearly - yes, I wanted to be fully dressed. I wouldn't be able to cope with a repeat performance or anything of that sort, but why always provoke?

I went to the bureau and sat down, wanted to start working, but one thought preyed upon my mind.

Why? Why the hell did I always get so defensive with the three of them? Why did I always let them take the reins out of my hand as if I couldn't defend myself? Okay, well, they were physically superior to me in terms of physical strength, mass and muscle by far, but I would be able to get one or two hits in, I knew too many tricks for that by now!

So why did I always get into such a stupor, let them do a lot... oh, nonsense, let them do anything they wanted to me without resistance?

Thus, I started my analysis, which as always would be shockingly honest and open.

Was it sexual dependence, sexual subservience? Was it that? I dared to ask myself that.

Face the truth, Hermione, I advised myself, you find Severus really attractive, especially when he is behaving differently. I got to know him here at Manor from a much more intimate side than at school. He was... Yes, what? Nice? Not really, but he was an interesting man, a highly intelligent man who wanted me. Any fool could see that and I was no fool!

I had worked through my darkest night; I could deal with my sexuality and live it out too, as I had impressively proven with Draco today. But Severus... To imagine that with Severus, to let him get so close to me again, that was difficult for me, if not to say almost impossible. Not only could I tolerate him getting physically close to me, but I also liked him. I enjoyed it when he hugged me or kissed me. But more? No, then I felt the pain well up deep inside of me again and then came the fear that clasped my fast beating heart.

I had only one question:

Why did he want me? He had already had me three or four times. Why should he continue to want me? Severus Snape was not like that! In what way was there a difference between me and the other whores who had spread their legs for him? Exactly, nothing, except that I, Hermione, was now a member of his family and was in a relationship with Draco!

So why did he still want me? For my own sake or to show Draco that he, too, could have it all? Was it one of those dominance games that they always lived out so intensively here and indulged with a passion?

I cannot and could not imagine that he had feelings for me other than lust, greed and immeasurable desire. But what triggered it? I wasn't that good in bed, I thought cynically and snorted. Why would he want me? Well, I had an intellect and a spirit that probably knew how to captivate him. But otherwise? No, it was probably male vanity that drove him!