His Weakness, Her Liberation

I'm Tired

"I think I'm afraid of heights, Michael."

"Whaaaaat? You afraid of something? Let me get this on camera." He playfully started reaching for his phone to capture the moment.

We decided to go out tonight and Michael wanted to go the Atlanta Ferris Wheel. It was our first time being out in public together, outside of my job, but I still wanted to keep a low profile. I knew the blogs would be calling us a couple--which we weren't, if any pictures got out there. We settled on the Ferris wheel because it would be dark and we'd spend most of the outing suspended hundreds of feet in the air, far from the prying eyes of the public. After our night together on New Year's Eve, I knew I needed to open myself up to him, for my own sake. I'd never forgive myself if I blew my chance with him. I still wanted to take things slowly, but we'd become closer and took small steps to get to know each other better.

I was really nervous about tonight because even though I wasn't calling it a date, that's exactly what it was and I hadn't been on a date in years.

"Thanks for letting me take you on a date tonight, Jay."

I was finally letting him call me by my nickname and he loved it. I loved the way he said it.

"First of all this isn't a date, Michael."

"You love to play hard to get, don't you? It's cool though. Imma get you."

I looked at him and smiled and thought to myself, I'm already yours.

It was true. He had me hooked since Miami but I wasn't willing to admit it to myself until months later and still wasn't ready to admit it to him. Admitting it to him would give him too much power. He made me forget who he was to the world because he was so humble and down to Earth, but I was reminded whenever I got on social media. Sometimes I'd read the comments women left on his photos and I'd quickly be brought back to reality. Women loved him and I couldn't blame them. He was everything they thought he was-- talented, fine, wealthy, thoughtful, amazing in bed. He could essentially be with any woman he chose, and although my self-esteem was fully intact, I was no fool and knew his attention could easily be diverted elsewhere. So I decided to move slow with him, I needed to be sure he was into me as much as he said he was.

"For real though, it feels great to be out with you. I was getting tired of being cooped up in the house." He leaned over and placed his arm around me.

"Oh so you're saying you didn't like what we were doing while we were cooped up in the house? Cause I mean, you know long I went without it, ain't no thing to go back." I responded sarcastically.

"Nah, nah. I love being your sex slave, trying new shit with you. But you're addicted now, ain't no going back bih."

We both laughed. Michael and I were like two rabbits since the new year started. I was exploring what pleased me and he of course was more than willing to experiment in any way I wanted. We'd been having so much fun that the first few weeks of the year flew by.

-------------

The movie he was shooting was slated to wrap in a week, so we started packing things up in his rental home.

"What would you think if I bought this place?"

"The house?" I looked puzzled.

"Yea, the house. I mean I've done so much shooting here the last two years and you live here too so..."

"Uhh well, I guess."

"Forget it," he said angrily.

"Wait, why are you upset all of a sudden? Michael, if you want to buy the house, do it, but I don't want you to do it for me and things don't pan out and then you resent me because you bought this house."

"Aight then. Well, its too late anyway, I bought it last week."

I started laughing and part of me was excited that he'd bought the house. I didn't know what that meant for us, but it made me happy he was willing to do something so big with me in mind.

"So why you got me up in here helping you pack up, fool?" I joked.

"Cuz I'm getting new stuff Jay. Gotta start fresh... like we did."

"True, true," I said. My head was still processing the fact that he actually bought this house to be closer to me.

"Speaking of starting fresh, uhh, you find a new spot to live yet?" He was nervous.

"No, and it's really stressing me out. I love my townhouse, I can't believe my landlord is moving back to Atlanta and wants me out."

"Yea, that's crazy," he said slowly, like he was thinking through what he would say next.

"I want to look at some places this weekend. Will you go with me?" Micheal looked at me like he was shocked I asked.

"You sure about that? People might see us," he said his words with a hint of sarcasm that I'm not sure he realized he did.

"You're right. Never mind, not sure why I asked."

"Look why are we still doing all this hiding and shit? I mean, you really could just move in here-- with me."

"Move in with you? Are you serious? We're not even in a relationship Michael."

"I know, but that's all on you. You could move in and not worry about bills or anything else really. I have the house here, but most of my work is still in L.A., my family's there, I still have my home there, so it's not like I'd be in your space all the time. I just feel like if you were here, we'd feel closer to each other when we're not together."

"I don't know Michael, moving in with someone before marriage was something I never saw myself doing and were not together really."

"So if we were together would you consider it?"

"Maybe, I don't know Michael."

"Let's be together then." His eyes were the the most beautiful I'd ever seen them. He looked at me so sincerely.

I had to look away as I said, "I don't think I'm ready for that yet." I could see the hurt and frustration on his face. I reached my hand out to try and touch him, but he moved away. "Don't be mad, please understand where I'm coming fr--"

"I understand you don't want to be with me."

"That's not true and you know it," I started to feel heat leaving my face.

"How would I know it Janeé? All you've done the whole time we've known each other is push me away. I honestly don't know what you want from me, but I continue to pursue you, hoping one day you'll trust me enough to believe my intentions are true. It's tiring Janeé. I'm tired."

I looked at him with tears in my eyes, not knowing what to say.

"Maybe you should go. I think I can handle it from here."

As I walked out of the house, I felt like I was in a bad dream. How did that escalate so quickly? I felt like we'd just broken up, even though we weren't together. Was he done with me? I get why he said he was tired, I've been doing the most since we met, but it was unfair of him to expect to move in to his place so soon. I left his house in shambles, seriously wondering if he would ever talk to me again.