Marvel Imagines

Insecurities | Loki

We liked each other. It was mutual; he knew I liked him, and I knew he liked me, we just never really had the time to sit down and talk about it. Normally, I'd want to start talking about something as important as that as soon as I could get the words out of my mouth, but my heart was holding me back.

Even though I knew he liked me, there was always that inkling of doubt in the pit of my stomach. It had planted itself there as soon as I knew how Loki felt about me, and it was like an invasive species, growing too quickly and overtaking every positive thought that I had regarding what our relationship could be.

Perhaps insecurity is a better descriptor than doubt. It wasn't as if I were worried about whether he liked me or not; it was more the negative thoughts that had me constantly asking myself what there was for him to like.

If I stood in front of a full-body mirror and looked at myself, I could immediately begin listing everything I found wrong with my body. The list was as close to endless as it could get, starting with how much I disliked my acne scars to my ankles being out of proportion to the rest of me. It then went on to a more emotional level, like how I hated how stubborn I could be when I was serious about something or how my laugh had a weird pitch to it. Insecurities are something I've battled with since I was a teen. I've managed to find ways to try and combat the constant negativity, but it's come back with a vengeance since finding out that Loki had feelings for me.

The problem is, Loki can read my mind. And I know when he's there.

I couldn't keep any secrets from him if he really tried hard enough. Since they weren't negatively affecting me as much as they used to, I let my insecurities run around in my head and tried my best to ignore them. However, I know that if Loki read my mind, saw the volume of negative thoughts, and brought attention to them, the delicate relationship I've built with my insecurities will all come crashing down. That cannot happen. I refuse to go back to that dark place with myself, mostly because I don't know if I'll be able to come back out and see the light of day again if I do.

It's constantly plaguing my mind, because part of me knows he knows about my insecurities. It started about a month ago, when he walked into my room as I was getting ready for our little informal date. I was wearing the dress that Loki had asked me to, but I was feeling really insecure about how I looked in it. I remember clearly feeling his presence in my head- it was fleeting, but it was there, and I immediately panicked. I knew he'd seen my thoughts because the second I turned around, I saw the frown on his face replace itself seamlessly with a smile.

Similar things have happened rather often- he gets a glimpse of my thoughts here or there- but the worst time happened about a week ago. By this time, I'd gotten really good at knowing when he was reading my mind, and I'd talked with him before and asked him to stop doing it. He'd obliged, so far, up until he caught me crying in front of the mirror that day. Even though I was crying, I felt his presence in my head, blazing around at the speed of light and reading my thoughts at an alarming volume. As soon as he was in my mind, he left, and he walked over and spoke to me normally as if he hadn't just read my mind and found out about all of my biggest insecurities. We had left the topic alone since then, but the urge to talk about it was simmering in my stomach. And from the way he glanced at me from time to time, when he thought I wasn't looking, he wanted to discuss it too.

That brings me to this morning. Currently, I'm sitting in the kitchen with Steve; I'm reading a book, and he's reading the newspaper.

"Hey, (Y/N)," Steve asked, leaning toward me and holding out the paper, "What's Alexa?" He asked. He pointed to an article under the technology section that talked about Amazon, and I smiled.

"It's like Jarvis," I explained simply, "But less advanced. Alexa is the name of the technology, and she'll do things like play your music or lock your front door." Steve nodded, eyebrows furrowed as he went back to reading. I had to smile, my eyes lingering on Steve for a moment. As someone who loved everything technology, it was genuinely fascinating to see someone learning about 21st century tech for the first time.

"Good morning, Lady (Y/N)," A smooth voice said, "What makes you smile?" I inhaled deeply before looking up to meet Loki's gaze, giving him a small smile.

"'Morning, Loki," I returned, and then nodded to Steve, who was lost in his reading. "It's fun to see someone learning new things about technology and what it can do." I explained, and he nodded, grinning softly at me.

"Of course," He said, as he'd heard me talk about it before. "Your Midguardian technology is rather interesting, if you find the right things." I smiled fondly, nodding at him before returning to my book. There was about a minute of silence before Loki spoke again.

"(Y/N)..." He began.

"Hmm?" I hummed, still reading.

"Can I talk to you?" Double whammy- that phrase already isn't pleasant, but I have a feeling he's going to want to talk about that day. I looked immediately up from my book at him.

"...Sure." I said. I grabbed a page from a part of the newspaper Steve had set aside, using it to bookmark my page before getting up and following Loki out of the room. We went and sat in my room, silence reigning for a full minute before Loki asked.

"Why... Why don't you love yourself?" Butterflies flew angrily around in my stomach.

"What?" I asked immediately.

"You heard me, my dear." He replied, looking through me rather than at me. I had no words.

"You and I both know how I feel about you," He continued, "And if in some way it wasn't clear, I have feelings for you. Feelings that can be described simply as 'love'- if you let me." My eyebrows were furrowed, eyes wide.

"If I let you?" I questioned.

"I only think it's right that you love yourself before I can love you. If I am to properly learn how to be a good companion for you- which I want to do- don't you have be in harmony with yourself before we can be in harmony together?" I was already tearing up.

"Dang it, Loki," I said, laughing softly as I wiped tears away, "I shouldn't already be crying." His gaze softened further, and he wrapped an arm around me and brought me close to him.

"You clearly don't know how much you mean to me, or how beautiful you are," Loki said, gently taking one of my hands, "So if I may, let me show you." I nodded when I realized he was waiting for a actual response. His eyes roamed my face, and a long while went by without him saying anything.

"My God," He mumbled, eyes positively glowing. "You are gorgeous." I shook my head, making a face.

"Please, stop lying." I spoke in a joking tone, but I was serious. He shook his head.

"It's not a lie. No one is without their flaws, but not everyone looks good in their flaws. You, darling, look fantastic." I was dumbfounded.

"I'm afraid I don't understand..." I began, but Loki gently shushed me.

"You need to not listen to yourself occasionally." He said, looking at me seriously. "From what little I've seen, your mind is a dangerous place. But, for as much as I have seen the ragged minefield, I've also seen the striking beauty there. It's endless, (Y/N). You may not see your own beauty, but maybe if I stay by your side, we can figure out how to help you see it together." Tears had long since been streaming down my cheeks, but my smile was wide.

"Loki... Yes. I would love that. Having you by my side..." I paused, burying my face in his chest as he hugged me closer still. "That would be a dream."