My Past Memories

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I didn't know what love felt like until i met you. Until I was up until 4am every night thinking of everything we could've been. I didnt know love until i was deprived of it. Not until everyone word you've ever spoken was replaying in the back of my mind while i was fucking someone else.
You know, I never expected someone to leave such an impact on me. You weren't just another girl to me, you were the girl; my last stop.

Until you weren't.

Its okay, I've learned from you not to love me either. Ive learned that I'm worthless; Ive always been treated that way. You never spoke to me, just yelled. You threw me away once again like i was trash.
I am trash. Always have been.
You helped me see that, and its okay. You're not fully to blame for the way i view myself anymore.
Atleast I believe that I am beautiful trash, you know, the type of useless object that caught your eye and tore into your gut a little as you watched fall into the abyss of that metal can it calls home.
I was so important before, but just like an old toy locked in the back of a closet for a year, once picked up again, boredom sets in too fast.
Yeah, I understand. I've done it too, just not as slow as you. I used to burn others with gasoline so violently. I didnt let them suffer though, dwelling in the smoke.
You on the otherhand, oh baby you kept me in a jar with the ashes, slowly filling it to the top until I was close to suffocation. You let me breathe abit of fresh air every few months, only when you got bored with your little boy toys; i fed into it; so drained of selfworth.

I didn't know what love was, until i realized it wasn't you. Love isn't being a second choice. I am the first choice and I will not stand to be let down by you once again. I sacrificed everything that was so hard for me and you sacrificed nothing. I get it, your life is about to begin in October, but you chose to ask me to move in, you chose to bring up missing me, you chose to lead me on and treat me like absolute shit because you are not my god damn puppeteer and you finally see that now. You chose to pull me back in, and I was expected to make sacrifices that made me overthink everything; sacrifices that hurt me. Yet, the second I bring up feeling even a tiny bit, you let go... Again.

and again and again and agai-

Do you ever stop?
hurting me? Or has that thought never cross your mind?

I just wanted reassurance, I mean, I tried to my best ability but I became the only person trying.

Maybe I'm not trash, you are.
I can't keep letting your actions put meaning into my head. Im not your old toy, Im a human being with feelings and you never noticed.

I hope the next person you truly fall in love with helps you build a life worth living.
I hope more than that, that they take it all away; the way you took it from me.
I hope you apologize, I hope you wait for a reply.
But most of all, I hope you never get one.