My Past Memories

I want to love you

I dont think there was ever a time that you actually heard my side of the story. I dont believe you ever heard me out ot once

'You're too angry' is something I was told every single day. It took me so long to understand that I actually was. I was childish, petty, immature and addicted to the toxic screams I used to let out. I had so many people wrapped around my fingers and not any part if me felt sorry for the people I was hurting.
Its funny though, because now I feel intense regret.
Karma really does get to everybody even if it likes to take its time.
I knew karma had chosen me next the second I met you.
I was dazed in those stunning brown eyes. I eventually forgot what selfworth was, because I had given all my worth to you. It was beautiful though, those 6 months. I knew you like no other and you saw me bare, broken and bent into your own ring. I still cannot believe exactly how wrapped around your finger I was until you had broken up with me. You didnt even have a good reason for why. At first you had told me it was because you didnt want to be around a 'bad influence' like me. Months later, the second reason was because I was a petty, immature bitch. Third reason was because you felt as if you werent good enough for me at the time. Why couldnt you have just told me you didnt love me? Instead of leading me on for an entire year. I met some beautiful people, one i truly fell for, until he moved. Now its been so long that I barely remember his face, or his deep voice echoing in my head at night. I forced myself to forget because I couldnt bare the thought of kissing him and not you. I was never going to marry him anyways though.
Then I met this sweet, kind hearted girl who followed her friends as if she was their puppy. We didnt work out either. You were still circling my head; i wasnt ready yet. If I texted her today, right now, she'd reply but I dont because you're the only god damn thing thats stuck in my head. Isnt that sick? That somebody who doesnt give a single shit about me is the only person I can wrap any sense around? You're mad at NOTHING right now. Absolutely nothing and I'm expected to take another round of mental abuse because you can't handle commitment? Because you have to find every single way out? Thats not my fault.

Your anger is unfair to me.
You are unfair to me.

But wait, you're how I used to be right? Thats what karma is trying to show me? The way you treat me makes me feel guilty for ever putting somebody in the same place you've stored me. The way you treat me isn't just shit, its torture.

I asked for a simple conversation, just one! Just one fucking hour of talking our feelings through because I am clueless to you! Ive done nothing but respect your needs, I've done nothing but give you space and try to help keep your sanity in tack and what I get in return is mixed emotions, loneliness and pain. I'm in a lot of pain. You've just been bringing me pain and you never used to. So why now? Why fucking now?!

You know. You taught me what communication was and now, all of a sudden, you really suck at communicating back.

'you're too angry' is now something I think constantly. Thank god it's not me anymore.