My Past Memories

Promises to Myself

I have a bad habit of hurting myself. No, not cutting or putting cigarettes out on my arm, this is the type of pain that my mentality can never handle. I force people away because im fearful of them caring. I dont want people in my life for the simple fact of I want to be unhappy, or on drugs, or whatever else is unhealthy. I like depression, its familiar; my home. Happiness is horrifying to me. I dont mean to force people away, I just do it. There's no excuse, no explaination why.

This girl, she makes me happy. I can tell she loves me, and wants what's best for me. I think that's what scares me. Im out of my comfort zone when it comes to her. All of my ex’s and I would get fucked up, or skip just to steal alcohol from some gas station. We fucked up our lives together, but this one girl isn't like that. Sure, she smokes weed, but she goes to school, does her homework and even goes to bed at a decent time! She doesn't steal, or snort coke just because someone has it around. This fucking girl is a saint compared to me, and all my friends.
I really fucked up with her today, and my heart sank. I have never been so scared to lose someone before. No one has ever made me want to be sober.

So why her? I dont fucking know, but it's her.

Im not in love, not yet atleast, i wont die without her. I want to fall in love, though. Not just say it because we’ve been together for a few months; i want to really, truly feel it.
This one girl motivates the hell out of me, she gives me hope that I wont be this sad, alcoholic, drug addicted, bipolar freak. I was so terrified of losing her, I am terrified of losing her. I have never constantly texted someone like I did today; never checked my phone every 5 minutes for one reply to tell me whether we’re over or not. I feel bad for her having to put up with me; how clingy I got.

Im going to change, not just for her, but myself. I dont want to be like this, she's shown me this whole new view on life. I want to be at a point that if I lose her, I wont fall back into my old habits; I’d just thank her for being in my life and giving me the motivation to try and be happy.

I want us to last, today helped me realize that. This relationship isnt just another paragraph in my book, its a huge change in my story that I want to carry throughout the entire series.

I promise, that this will not be another fuck up in my life that I’ll look back on and regret. I promise that I will let her love me, that I will not act on my fear and push her away. I promise that I will better myself, for me, for my sister, for my friends and for her.

Please dont fuck this up, not this time.

These are the promises I am making to myself.
These are the promises that will change me.