My Past Memories

Fucked Up

I don't know why I glorify my depression. I don't know why I've always run to drugs like they fix the demons I battle everyday.
Alcohol is a depressant, why do I drink when Im sad knowing the next morning I'll feel worse.
Cocaine is a felony level drug charge, if you're caught, you're going to jail. Why the hell do I snort it knowing it will fuck up my entire life.
Real friends that care for you, they're hard as fuck to come by. They are hard to make and hold onto. Why do I put them in danger and fill them with toxicity when they show me love. Why the fuck do I risk important people in my life just because I'm dealing with shit poorly?
I glorify doing drugs.
I glorify smoking cigarettes.
I glorify cutting myself.
I am a hypocrite for doing so. I see my friends doing the same as I do and I lecture them. I bitch at them until they're pissed. I yell when they call me out on my bullshit.
I push them away because I can't accept the fact that lecturing them is the way I can say everything I need to be told. I ruin the best things in my life for reasons that don't exist anywhere except for in my head.
I've always glorified loneliness. I've always made the people that care about me feel as if I'm not appreciative for them.
I know I have flaws, and I know I have to fix them or at least start trying to fix them. The issue though, in my fucked up mind; I only feel this way when Im intoxicated or fucked up. I only feel as if sobriety is the answer when Im faded. The second I feel sober though, I don't want to change. I don't want to take that step to improve myself. I know I need to, I know I have to before it's too late. I also know that I won't.
Everybody in my life knows that I won't too.
My biggest god damn flaw is that, overall, I do not care. About myself, about how my actions effects anybody. I don't care about anything but I expect other people to care about me. I'm narcissistic even when I deny it.
I don't know how my friends or my family would describe me. I know that I go so out of the way for the people in my life but I don't know if that's because I care and love deeply about them or if I'm trying to justify the shit I do.
I don't believe that I'm a good person, or that I'm a good friend. I don't believe that I deserve anything good at all and that feeling just goes back to realizing that I glorify depression when I shouldn't. I'd like to think I hide it better, but I can't hide the fact that I don't care about myself. I have no self care and I have no respect for the people who see me falling apart because I know it hurts them. I know it effects them. I ignore it just as I ignore my health, mental and physical.

"You can't love somebody else until you love yourself."
I used to think that quote was true. I believe it's not entirely false though. I feel as like love is too complicated. Everybody loves differently. Some love harder and deeper while others choose not to or hide it. I truly believe you can love somebody else before you love yourself. If you hate everything about yourself, and somebody comes to you with love, you can grow and learn to love yourself the way they love you. It takes time to notice that you start to take care of yourself so they don't worry but sometimes you hide the bad things you do instead. You can love somebody before yourself but you can't love them enough. You can't protect yourself or make sure you're okay for them and the relationship or friendship.
This girlfriend I had, she helped me realize that I am the most important thing in my life. Without me, there's nothing. When we broke up, I was so fucked up. I blamed myself for months because I didn't love myself to prevent the reason we broke up. Everything that I had learned and had been taught disappeared from my head because I loved her more than me. I had tried loving myself for her, not for me. That's the biggest issue that everybody has done or eventually will do. But you have to experience it and live through it, otherwise, in my experience, you won't love yourself. You won't feel that level of emotion, that feeling of being good and caring to yourself so you aren't a toxic person. Loving yourself is a choice, you just have to want to make the effort to get there and for me I would've never wanted to try if I didn't experience that deep love and heartbreak. It took a long time, months, after the breakup and giving up on myself that I realized I didn't have to be like this.
Loving her before I ever had love for me was the best decision I involuntarily made because I finally got off my ass. Yes it took a long time, but I did it. I started doing the things she wanted me to, to better myself. The lessons I was taught while we were together, I didn't realize I learned and grew from until I lost her. It takes somebody, or an event or a crazy drug experience in your life to change or realize you have to. It takes even fucking longer to want to. Nobody can force that on you until you are ready, or locked up, or in the hospital. Some people end up dead. You gotta want that shit, genuinely strive for it.
I thought I wanted it, I thought I was fighting for it. I'm not anymore and maybe I wasn't fighting for it to begin with.
I know I finally started to see that I'm fucking up and I want to change and be good for my people. I want to feel better.
But I know damn well in the morning, when Im sober, I'll do it all again.
I'll ignore the fact that I wrote this. Wondering if I called anybody else out on their shit, not just myself.
Don't get mad at the friends, or partners or family members that distanced or "gave up". They're looking after themselves and getting shit done when you can't match the motivation and drive that they need. If you can't take care of yourself, you can't do anything for anybody but hold them back.
That's the hardest pill I've ever had to swallow.