My Past Memories

Gas Money

You aren't worth it.
You aren't worth missing or my tears.
You aren't worth my mind thinking of you when I'm finally alone after a long day.
Why do I find myself missing you when in reality you ended up being a huge piece of shit?
All the talks we had coked up in my car or in my room were burned in your mind the second I stopped letting you use me. I told you about parts of me that even my closest friends don't know, how many people did you tell?
I know you told your boyfriend about all the times I've slept with people for drugs, or for money. You always told me to it, if I wanted to. You did the drugs I earned without a second thought. You used to get frustrated with me, actually, when I would do them without you. The cocaine I bought, the shrooms I earned, you expected me to share.

"If it wasn't for you, I would've never done coke in the first place"

Actually, I had nothing to do with your decisions. I didn't hold the straw, or plug your nose. I didn't force you to inhale your first line. You did that, and now I'm being blamed for it because you can't handle the reality of you.

"Im down to do crackhead shit together even if we hide it from our partners."

You let me drive drunk as shit almost every night. In endangering us both. Sure, that was my decision but you handed me the can every few gulps. We laughed and laughed one night when I didn't see the stop sign, skidding off the road. I bet you've told people how I almost killed you that night. Painting me to be this raging alcoholic so strangers view you better.
You aren't a stranger to me, you never will be. I know parts of your mind that are sadistic, dark. Just like you know mine. The only difference is, I never went behind your back and spoke about it. How many people have you manipulated into hating me?

I remember when you tried selling nudes with me, because we both didn't have food. You went behind your boyfriends back to do it too. Even then, I got us the money, I spoiled you in food, filled my own take of gas too.

"You bring nothing to my table."

Was I supposed to? I didn't think friendships meant you had to gain something from someone else. I thought friendship was about company, good times and someone to go to when your life felt fucked up.
What you brought to my table was the lack of safety, and an empty bank account. I didn't care, at the time though. I was having fun and I knew you were too.

My girlfriend sent me screenshots of you telling her I was cheating, that I was on drugs.

"I tried to get her to stop."

You.. Did? I don't remember that, you see, I have screenshots of you edging me on to cheat.

"She's in CANADA", "Fuck it, you have needs!", "Im weirdly excited for you!"

Don't think I forgot.

I started struggling, ended up getting fired. You blamed me for getting fired, when you knew our manager lied about the situation. You made me feel better about it when I started panicking. You even quit.

My last paycheck was coming up, only 131 dollars, you still edged me on to buy coke. You got it out of your savings for me to pay you back. There wasn't a thought in your head to tell me no, or reason with a bad decision knowing damn well that purchase would break me. I'm not blaming you for helping me go broke, I'm helping myself realize that you're actually a shitty friend. Someone who cares about you doesn't just let you spend money you don't have without trying to change your mind. Right? I mean, shit, when my friends have the money, I freak out and tell them to think about it before they buy it.
Is that just me?

You watched me dig myself into a hole, and you didn't say a god damn word.

You asked me to go on a beer run. It was all planned out, I was excited to see you. The second I ask for gas money, its 'nevermind'. It wasn't YOUR money, it was your boyfriends. Except.. When I got upset over it, you were quick to throw me under a bus. You knew I was struggling. You knew I was in a bad place mentally. You knew my situation, because you watched me fall.

"He had 15 dollars aside for gas, until you asked for it."

"Stop expecting people to get you out of situations you out yourself in."

"I'm done talking to you."

We fought for so long. You threatened to call the police on me when you left your jacket in my car. You didn't stand up for me at all, you're just a puppet to those who benefit you. I thought I was pathetic, I still do, but thank god I'm not as pathetic as you.

I took you on adventures. I helped you move in and out of your moms house. I climbed out of a window for you and snuck ALL of your belongings into my car. Your shit was in my car for weeks, I didn't complain. I fed you as often as I could. I paid for the drugs. I was there when your boyfriend wasn't.
I was there for you more than you were there for me, and now Im shitted on because I needed help. Im shitted on for being hurt and confused.

So why do I miss you? When all you've shown me was our friendship was one of your best cons.

You told me not to call you drunk, I wont. Doesn't mean you can stop me from writing about you.