My Past Memories

Fool

Although I spent months, agonizing over the thought of you; I let myself believe in a fantasy as if we were truly meant to be.
I spent nights talking to you, even though I had work in the morning just like I did when I was in school. I gave you parts of me again; even though I was almost done picking up the pieces you threw back at me the night I screwed up. Except, I didnt screw up when it came to you. What I screwed up with, was something that effected me and me alone. Sure, you can argue that it added unnecessary stress to your life, thats true, but for the way you left, and why you left still confuses me to this day.
When I called you at 6am, you told me that we would get through this, that you were in love with me and thats what mattered. You told me to get some rest, and of course, I listened to you. So I slept and woke up to a text telling me that I had just lost the love of my life.
I believe you loved me, while we were together and for some reason I still believe you love me. What I dont believe, is that you were ever in love with me. I dont mean that as a bad thing, its so rare to fall in love with anybody. When you do though, you stay around and see if maybe they change. Thats how I know I was in love with you.
Where the hell were you when I changed?
Look at me!
I'm actually doing shit with my life, like you always wanted me to do! I have a job, Im getting my license, Im actually saving the money I'm making so that Im not totally fucked. I'm sober; yeah I'll smoke pot sometimes and drink very little every so often but I'm not how I used to be. For fucks sake I tried my HARDEST for you.

and you came back

for only a second

although it might've been one second; my life felt complete.

Im not confused, and I do not need anymore growth to know who I want or what I want. Love isn't and has never been about
Who can I go farther with in life?
Because then you could be miserable with somebody for years and just call it love. My definition of love is Unconditonally, Who can I grow the most with in my life?.
I never needed a job, or to pay bills or to even get my license. I just needed you to believe that I could do it. You always believed i could do it, and guess what, I changed multiple times because thats what you do when you're with somebody. I mean fuck, we both made compromises. You brought out the better in me, and still do even, if I'm heartbroken 99.9% of the time now. The reason I changed was for you.

Still is.

Involuntarily, because of the impact you've made in my life, good and bad, I am bettering myself every second of everyday. Its not because I depended on you, its because I love you. Do you know the difference?

I dont believe you were ever in love with me, because maybe if you were, you would've stayed to see my change; my success. Maybe when you were back on your medications, you wouldve chosen us. I love you on and off my medications; I'd choose you no matter what drug is effecting my head. Either way, I'm proud of myself, you know? Thats all thanks to you, and if I could truly thank you for my life and how it is now, I would. I'd thank you everyday.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Although I love you with every broken piece of my heart, I am okay without you.

Oneday I'll be done waiting, and you'll be too late.

Love who you love now, not when they're starting to love someone else.