Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder

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Guess I don't really know how to start this. But, to be honest, feelings are a massive factor and the reason I can't talk about it is because of how everyone will judge me. But the truth is, I'm more aware of what feelings do to people than most people my age. I get what love and a real relationship means, and I'm more mature and understanding of the world than a lot of people my age too. But I can't tell anyone. I can't tell anyone anything because I'm constantly fighting my feelings, constantly worrying about being judged and hurt by people who don't understand the way I think, probably because they're too dumb and narrow minded, but that's a different problem.

I don't know, I think if I thought nobody would judge me, I'd tell the world that I know my feelings are real and that my problems are that of what an adult might feel. My "crush" isn't exactly a "crush", it's kinda more than that now, and has been for a long time. Sometimes I think he's at the root of all of my sadness, the fact I know he wouldn't want to get to know me and I probably gave a bad first impression a while ago. Sometimes I just want to feel like there's a possibility he'd like me, and that's where the MDD comes in. 

I feel like a freak sometimes. Sometimes. Not all the time. I saw this thing on Tumblr, it actually made my day:

"Some people escape with marks on their arms.

Some people do it by drinking themselves out of consciousness.

Others turn to drugs.

There are sexual addictions,

Substance addictions,

and ritual addictions.

Some get away by running outside,

and some get away by running inside.

And that's where I've been all of my life.

I run away on the inside, and sometimes,

it's all I have."

I have a textbook from school, and that's where I'm keeping monologues and notes and stuff like the above to do with my MDD. If I don't ever eventually grow out of my MDD, at least I'd be able to remember how much it meant to me and how it helped me with a few things. I'm using a textbook because then no-one will suspect anything, and I'm trying to refrain from plastering "PRIVATE!" all over the cover. I want it to look normal on the outside, but be full of secrets and my complicated thoughts on the inside.

Have I mentioned that it's not to be confused with Schizophrenia? Never, okay? Schizophrenia means you can't tell fantasy from reality, but if you have MDD, you can tell it apart. Sometimes, you can painfully tell the difference, which hurts the most. That's when I just stop and cry, when I come to the sad realisation I have this... disorder, that probably will never go away so long as I keep feeling sad and down and having mood swings 24/7, and the fact I make such intense, detailed stories in my head to try and hide the fact my real life won't ever be as good as I want it to be, and as I picture it.

Could you imagine this? Feeling like you have this perfect mental life all mapped out and it's your only way to escape reality one moment, then when you come back into the real world you feel like absolute shit and remember why you maladaptive daydream and why you're a freak for making fantasy worlds in your head.