Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder

3

Well, I think I started daydreaming at an early age and back then, I think my daydreams were based with characters I made up. You'll laugh at this, but when I was 3 or something, I remember I acted out a sad scene from 101 Dalmatians (well, it was as sad as a film about dogs could get when you're 3) in my hallway. Like that's probably the earliest sign I can remember. But when I was younger, probably about... 7(?), I dreamed of being the richest woman in the world when I grew up. I remember I lived in a 200 story building in this area in London surrounded by gates and security and my next door neighbours were Rihanna and Simon Cowell and I had a talking rabbit companion called Clover and I owned Hawaii. It makes me laugh remembering the sheer childlike nature of my old imagines. But as stupid as it was, it's funny to think this is what I created - another life, a whole new world in my head using purely my imagination and it brought me such joy, and all that started it off for me. Every kid can imagine, but this was different.

There's two ways of looking at this condition. You can think of MDD as weird and messed up one moment, something only lonely people have to pass the time, but if you think of it in the right perspective, it's a lot different to that - it's beautiful, it's mental art and it's so damn fascinating. And more importantly, it's an escape route when there's nowhere else to go.

Oh, and I actually remember the names of the characters in my early childhood daydreams. My imaginary "alter ego" name was Natasha Danielle Carter, and she had 3 sisters who lived with her and were her best friends; Florence, Tara and Maddison. I probably daydreamed with these characters for about 3 years. I don't know, I'm sort of guessing, but I can't be far off when I say I imagine I thought up these characters when I was about 7, and I probably stopped when I was 10 (ish). Wow, so 3 nearly 4 years without those guys. Seems a bit sad when you think about it.

There's something else I remember about this though. I remember one day I tried so hard to forget them. I'm pretty sure I wasn't 10 around this time, probably about 8, but I was like apologising to them, apologising and saying I had to go and I didn't know if I'd see them again. It's funny how I remember this of all things, but actually it's an interesting thing to remember because I was obviously trying to get out of my MDD without even realising it was a condition. Guess what, though? It was so impossible to just get out of it and forget them with a simple whisper of an apology and a goodbye, so I went back. Maybe a few months later, I'm not sure, but at the end of the day, I thought it was just a hobby, a "thing I did" and I had imaginary friends like any young child did. But no, when I was apologising I was yet to find out that 3 years later I'd realise what I had was more than something I liked to do. It was a condition, a mental disorder and next to nothing would be able to tear me away from it. So yeah, I "went back". I returned to my daydreaming, went back to the 200 story building and went back to my three sisters who stayed with me until it was time to let go.

But I didn't really let go, did I?