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Jelani Chanel Adisa
Being held by him has to be one of the craziest feelings. Each touch feels as jolts of electricity, waking up feelings I never even knew I possessed. Sometimes I feel that I'm falling too fast with him. As though, one instant we will awake and everything will fall apart. Yet, when I'm with him I don't care about any consequences. I just want to shower him with my love.
I find myself questioning how great this feels, and why it feels this way. I find myself trying to stop myself from feeling this way, feeling any way. I find myself wondering if he'd catch me if I fell.
Walking into Tashani's class, I absentmindedly journeyed to my seat. I have been thinking about the best and the worst ever since that night. Trillions of "what if's" have run across my mind, even causing a panic attack or two. I've spent so much time overthinking that I've distanced myself from Mazi.
These thoughts consumed me through Tashani's lesson. I didn't gather any notes or retain any of the information he taught. The only productive thing I seemed to do was doodle Mazi and I's name in my notebook.
"Okay, I understand Monday's are rough kids. Therefore, I will wake yall up with our good old end of the class discussions." Heads lifted immediately. These discussions are the highlight of the entire class. Sitting at the edge of his desk, with his signature smirk dancing on his lips.
"Today's discussion is," Pausing to take a sip of his coffee he sat in thought before continuing, "Does sex add confusion to a relationship or resolve issues?" Hands immediately shot up, per usual. Calling upon a female student in the middle row, he sipped his coffee with his ears perked, awaiting a response.
"I feel it confuses a relationship. It's adding more feelings into something already full of feelings. Or worse, can alter the feelings that you previously had." A few agreed with her, yet many countered and shared their responses with Tashani. One of the few white boys in our class raised his hand. Eyes were on him, awaiting his response.
"I feel sex can only confuse a relationship if the relationship isn't established. If you have a common stable ground, sex will only enhance the emotional connection shared. Unless you're not satisfying your partner, then that can be different."
Nodding in satisfaction at his response, Tashani agreed with him and dismissed class. I quickly gathered my belongings and rushed out of class. Avoiding Mazi has been the number one on my list until I figure out how I feel. Better yet, accept how I feel.
-
"Lani, you still haven't talked to that boy?" Ella's loud voice greeted me before her presence could.
"Hello to you too Ni'Ella." My eyes rolled as irritation plastered upon my face. I just know she is going to lecture me about avoiding Mazi, and as wrong as I know it is, I don't want to hear it.
