unforgivable ➸ finnick odair

T W E N T Y N I N E

Districts 10, 9 and 8 were a mindless blur. I felt almost like a robot, going through my day as if I had been given a set of instructions, things to do, things to say. I stared at the pictures of the children who died for the tyrannical white-haired president and pushed down on the sadness and grief and sorrow that rose up in my heart. I read the words from the cue cards and heard my voice echo in the silent hall, the people of the district - people who might've known the tributes, people who might've cared for them, loved them, people who watched them die - listening in forced, grudging respect.

There is life as a normal human being, and then there is life as a Victor. Other victors, they learned this lesson as well before me, at different times, different places. I learnt it as I stared at the trees flashing by, brown hair swirling around me as the wind slapped against my face, refreshing in its ferocity. Electra Reine the sister, the daughter, the girl from Five... she died the moment the blade of the katana penetrated Rhys's chest, died as the final cannon boomed and the voice came over the speakers declaring me the winner.

Winner.

Funny word, winner. To the Capitol, I won the 68th Hunger Games, I won glory and respect and fame and money, I won a lifetime in the spotlight if I played my cards right, a lifetime spent wearing satin and silk and makeup heavy on my face as the artificial light washed over me. 

I won other things too. A lifetime of grieving, of guilt and pain and memories, of flashbacks and nightmares and waking up with a scream lodged in my throat and hands instinctively reaching for any kind of weapon. I won my mother's death, I won the delightful opportunity to sell my body to grotesque men from the Capitol who wanted to bed a Victor, I won the deaths of Rhys and Chip and Ocean and Bolt and Everly and May and everyone else in my Games. 

Born to live but doomed to die.

---

I'd always known that District 7 would be the hardest. But as I stared at Everly's brightly smiling face on the screen above her grieving family, hands trembling and cue cards slipping through and falling to the ground, I realised that I had never really anticipated just how difficult it would be. 

Everly had gotten her blonde hair from her mother and her round green eyes from her father. They were both staring at me as if they could look through my eyes into my soul, but their looks weren't angry or accusing. Just sad. Tears ran down their faces and their hands were tightly entwined, with their other arms clinging onto their remaining daughter.

Diana Edmonds was like a small, near-perfect replica of her late older sister. They shared the same lithe features and their hair was the same shade of blonde, but instead of Everly's light green eyes, her younger sister had eyes of pale, cloudy grey. She stared up at me as well, lips trembling as tears ran rivers down her slim face.

I was crying too, I realised as I tasted the familiar salty liquid in my mouth. Everly looked positively radiant in her picture, smiling widely, corners of her eyes crinkled. I opened my mouth to speak, but the words caught in my mouth and all that came out was a choked, painful rasp. I wanted to say something profound, something that conveyed everything I felt about my fellow tribute - my friend - but I couldn't quite find the words to say. 

I stared at her glowing face, heard her laugh in my head, and opened my mouth. This time, the words came out.

"Everly was like a sister to me," I began, the last few whispers of the people in the square falling silent. "She was brave and beautiful and you couldn't help but love her, couldn't help but want her to live. She was my best friend in that arena and I can say with complete and utter certainty that I would not be standing here talking to you today about how amazing she is - was," I caught myself, feeling my eyes tingle as more tears ran down my face, "was, if it wasn't for her. She deserved to win, deserved to come home to her mother and father and sister, the family she so clearly adored. And I'm sorry she didn't get the chance."

When I turned my head to look at Kieran's face, I immediately looked away. It hurt to look at him, grinning cheerfully, brown hair carefully styled and hazel eyes glimmering when all I could see was his wild eyes and the dagger sinking into Everly's stomach, silver coming out stained red with her blood. But I looked at his parents, heartbroken at the loss of their only child, staring up at me with pleading looks in their eyes, and spoke.

"The Games change everyone," I said, voice low. "I'm not the same person that I was before I stepped into that arena. None of the Victors are. It twists your mind, makes you feel things you don't want to feel, think things you don't want to think. Your son was no different. I blame him for killing my best friend. But I don't blame him for not being able to cope with everything. I would be a hypocrite if I did."

The square was entirely silent for several moments after I started talking, but when both families began clapping, all of the people gathered followed suit. Kieran's parents were not smiling, but they both nodded at me for speaking of their son. Everly's family were smiling, tears still running down their faces. 

I stared up at Everly's face, drinking in the shape of her eyes, the shape of her smile, the delicate angles of her face. I didn't need to - I had every detail of her memorised already - but I did anyway. And as the mayor of District Seven handed me the traditional bouquet of flowers and I was ushered offstage by Desiree, my eyes never left her picture.

At night, oblivion came painfully slow. And when it did, her smile and her laugh haunted every sleeping moment.

so

hi again

it's me

um, sorry for the extremely late update. i really don't have an explanation. uh, life? school has been a tiny bit more serious (next year is when the Big Exams start so this year is preparation) plus i just had no inspiration for ages, and then kinda forgot about this story. and then when i remembered about it, i was too scared to try and write another chapter for some absurd reason

i hope this update is okay? i haven't written for this story in ages so apologies if it kinda sucks. it's also entirely unedited but that's just because i'm too lazy to edit anything ¯\_(ツ)_/¯