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"hi yes my mom isn't waking up, i don't think she has a pulse." i say trying to keep my breathing intact. "we'll send an ambulance." "please hurry." i say hysterically sobbing.

i hang the phone up and dial carl's number. i don't know why i didn't call debbie. he answers the phone but i'm still sobbing, "carl?" "yo." he notices i'm crying, "noah what's wrong?" "its my mom she's not waking up." "i'm on my way." the phone hangs up and i throw my head into my hands, "mom please." there's a knock on the door, since i figured it was the ambulance i opened it, it wasn't, it was carl. he reaches for my head and brings me into his chest softly. i never have felt more safe. i hear ambulance sirens go off and look out the door, it's for my mom. i try to wipe off all my tears, they pull up in front of my house and rush inside. they bring her in the truck on some kind of bed. "is she gonna be okay? can i go with her?"

the guy seems sympathetic, "kid, she's dead."

my body goes completely into shock. how? she wasn't sick! i couldn't move a muscle. i just stood there like an idiot. "you should call a relative." carl speaks up because i couldn't, "yes sir." he takes my hand and sits me on the couch. i couldn't even move my eyes. this wasn't happening. this isn't real. all these complicated thoughts flow through my mind, why is this happening? i need my mom. carl asks, "who should i call?" "v."

veronica is my aunt. she and my mom were really fucking close. how is she gonna take the news? hell i don't even know if i'm grasping this whole situation. i need to feel close to someone. i basically jump on carl, attacking him with my lips on his. he's quick to pull away. "noah no." what? are you serious? he doesn't like me. ok. i storm up to my room and lock the door. he follows but couldn't stop me from closing the door, "let yourself out!" i sit on my bed and cry, not about carl, but about my mom. what the fuck am i gonna do?

a few weeks later i have to start to come into school regularly again, since i was threatened expulsion if i didn't show up. i haven't seen carl since that day, or even debs. i miss her so much. i haven't been on my phone much either, just sitting in my room. veronica is taking care of me for now. every now and then she knocks on my door and brings me leftovers from her and the kids. i thank her and quickly fall back into my depression. veronica offered to move in with her but i honestly just don't want to. this house is the only thing i have left of her.

i try not to think about never seeing her again because i can't not break down! the worst thing about it is, what if she didn't even know who i was before she left us? i miss her every second.

i wake up, put my hair in a messy bun, which isn't even the cute kind, pull on a yellow sweatshirt and nike shorts because i don't give a crap. i definitely do not try conceal the horrible eye bags. then i think about carl, what if he thinks i'm ugly. i'll just avoid him. i don't put in my contacts, i put on glasses that work a hundred times better anyway and grab all of my shit. getting mentally prepared to get hit with a massive work load.

in homeroom i see another girl sitting in my seat, weird i've never seen her in here before. she's probably new. i just sit in an empty seat because i'm in no mood to interact with the human species.

i walk to my first class in weeks, which was of course chemistry.

and the first thing i saw? carl kissing that girl. my heart dropped to my stomach. i kinda just stood there like a deer caught in the headlights. my mind scattered from everything else. carl was with someone. who wasn't me. i don't realize it but i was standing there, just staring like a fucking idiot. everyone had taken their seats by now, carl looks up at me like he just got caught committing a murder. i don't know why i'm so sensitive. the teacher taps on my shoulder, "um noah, take a seat please." at this point my eyes are just still on him. i don't bother responding to the teacher, i just walk out. of the school. not caring about my attendance, i walk into my home, seeing veronica just sitting on the couch reading a magazine, "what're you doing here noah?" i can't hold back tears so i just walk into my room, collapsing on my bed.

i take out my phone since i haven't checked it in awhile. i see fifty-two texts. shit? "carl gallagher- forty-nine texts." i can't even look at them. "jake- one text." whatever. "debbie gallagher- two texts." i open it, it reads,

hey, carl told me everything. i'm so sorry! i finally got the money for an abortion if you wanted to know... anyways i love you.

oh and why are you and carl so close now?

ugh. i'm happy for her but i can't think of a reason carl would know anything.

you weren't answering your phone so i asked carl to get you but he came instead... i'm so happy for you (: and thank you.

i hit the send button and decide to open the message from jake,

hey where'd you go? you haven't been in school i'm worried about you.

i sigh, leaving him on read not wanting him to respond. i work up the courage to open carl's messages, knowing that whenever i open it hes gonna see a "read."

there's a bunch of messages repeating the same thing, almost like it was copy and pasted. most of the messages ask if i was mad at him. others say he's sorry about that night and things along the lines of that.

i roll my eyes and sigh. maybe i was overreacting when i got mad at him. for not having sex with me. but i was feeling like absolute shit about my mom, and then to feel rejection, i don't know. i'm just fucking insecure and i like the damn guy.

seeing him kiss her today, literally just helped me think. i really do like him, i don't think i'll ever be able to stand the thought of him with someone who isn't me, especially being so close with debbie.

another message he sent was from an hour ago,

hey! why'd you leave?????? are you coming back to school?

is he serious? he knows damn well why.  he looked so guilty when he saw my face. he knows i'm jealous. he just doesn't want the trouble of dealing with my feelings for him. which i understand.. i guess.

i hear a bang on my window. i pull the curtains aside and look outside. i don't see anything until i see the top of a head, he looks up. it's fucking carl.

Sorry for the late upload :(

1234 words !!