cigarettes & coffee / l.h.

four

- luke -

For the next two days, I avoided Violet at all costs. I felt awful about going cold on her suddenly, but I hadn't realised that morning how great she was. 

The last thing I wanted was to get close to anyone, and if that meant ignoring someone who I genuinely liked spending time with, that's what I would do. Even if it kind of sucked. Anyway, she was fine. She had her friends.

I had started smoking at the other side of the building and not even stealing the smallest glance at her during the day, just so I could successfully avoid her. I honestly didn't think she'd care. We barely knew each other! We had spent a couple of days together, I didn't know why I was over thinking this so much. I should have been able to completely forget about her, so why wasn't it happening?

When school finally ended after a relatively interesting first week back at school, I shut myself away in my room and put on some music, as I usually did. In the middle of listening to All Time Low's Six Feet Under The Stars, there was a knock at my door. Naturally, I ignored it, so I wasn't surprised when my mum let herself in.

"Jesus, Luke. Can you turn that off?" She sighed, sitting down on the edge of my bed.

I took a deep breath, tapping the pause icon on my phone. "What is it, Mum?"

"How are you?" She smiled. I loved my mum, a lot. She was probably my favourite person on earth, next to Charli. Well, I guess Charli wasn't really my favourite person anymore. So yeah. Mum was my favourite person on earth. But I didn't appreciate it when she tried to get me to talk about my emotions. My therapist had told me that I needed to let people in more than I did, and she had told my mum to help me do that. So, that's what she did. All the fucking time.

"I don't need this right now." I sighed. I was lying on my stomach, so I propped myself up on my elbows to make eye contact with my mum.

"That's your answer everytime I try to talk to you. I'm worried about you, Lukey." She frowned. The look on her face and the way her voice wobbled slightly as she spoke made my chest tighten.

"Mum... You don't need to worry about me." I decided to sit up now, realising that I wasn't going to be able to cut this conversation short.

"Come on, Luke. You haven't even tried to make friends since we moved here. You just sit in your room with the door closed, listening to angry music. You don't even play your guitar anymore. Don't you miss doing all the things that make you happy?" 

"Of course I miss it, Mum. I just... Nothing makes me feel happy anymore." My voice wasn't much more than a squeak.

"Oh, Luke." Mum whispered. "I love you so much. If you're not happy... I feel like I've failed as a mother." She continued, her eyes filling with the tears that I caused.

"No, Mum. You haven't failed at all. You're the best mother anyone could ever ask for. It's me, honestly." I was almost cringing at how cliché what I had just said was. But it was completely true, and the fact that my mum thought she was failing as a mother broke my heart. 

"How can I help you, Luke?" She sighed, resting her hand on my forearm.

"I have to do this myself, Mum. I have to help myself. I'm gonna start doing things that make me happy again. I'm gonna let myself make friends. I'm really gonna do this." I suddenly felt incredibly motivated to make my life happy again. I jumped off my bed and grabbed my guitar from the corner of my room. I sat back down next to Mum on my bed, playing the first few chords of Remembering Sunday.

The feeling of playing my guitar again was almost surreal, and I found myself wondering why I had taken this happiness away from myself. I barely noticed my mother leaving my room, but I knew that she was smiling.