cigarettes & coffee / l.h.

seven

- violet -

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

No. I could not be into Luke.

I was totally about to kiss him back at his apartment. I couldn't believe I had a boyfriend and I had feelings for my best friend. And what made it worse was I was pretty sure he definitely didn't feel the same way. I mean, he was the one who pulled away. And Calum was one of my best friends too, if we broke up, it would be so awkward between us. Fuck.

When it was time for mine and Luke's smoke, I decided it would probably be a good idea to go down. We could just talk about music and other non-relationship things to break the new ice that I felt had formed since our not quite almost kiss. But when I got down there, he wasn't there. I walked around the whole building and even down the street a little bit, but he was nowhere to be seen. 

I gave up, and just smoked by myself. I found myself missing Luke's company, like I did for that week a while ago when he was avoiding me. Luke and I had a connection, and we both knew it. We knew it on the night that we met out in this very spot. I'm pretty sure I knew it the first day of school, when we made eye contact in math class.

I let my body slide down the cool wall until my butt hit the ground, blowing out a puff of smoke in the process.

"Violet." 

I snapped my head up to see where the deep and familiar voice came from, smacking my head on the hard wall. I whined in pain, my vision going blurry for a second, but I could still see that it was Luke who had said my name.

"Shit!" He gasped, dropping down next to me. "I'm so sorry!"

"It's fine." I laughed, which made my head throb harder. 

"Fuck! Do you have a concussion?!" 

"I doubt it." I breathed, trying to focus my eyes on Luke's worried expression.

"Oh, God. I don't know how to know if someone has a concussion! What do I do!" He panicked. It was pretty cute.

"I don't have a concussion!" I repeated. "I think I'll go to bed. Help me up."

"Fuck no! If you fall asleep you might die! That's what a concussion is, right? Shit. I have no idea. Just stay here with me. I have to keep you awake!" He explained. I thought he was right about not going to sleep, but I wasn't sure about the dying part. It didn't matter, because I wasn't concussed, anyway.

"Luke..." I began to tell him again, that I did not have a concussion, so could I please just go to bed?

"No. Nope. No. Violet, you are staying down here for–fuck, how long?" He sighed, running his hand through his hair. I shrugged and he sighed. "Well. I guess we'll have to stay down here forever."

"I do not have a fucking concussion, Luke. Yes, I hit my head, but that doesn't mean I have a concussion." I sighed, pushing myself off the ground.

"Just stay down here for a little while longer, please?" He pouted, which obviously was going to make me stay. Luke sat down completely and reached his arms up towards me. "Sit back down."

I sat close next to Luke, my head was throbbing but I was completely sure I didn't have a concussion. It was a little bit cute how much he was worrying, but it was also incredibly annoying. We sat in silence for a few minutes, and it was kind of awkward.

"Um, aside from your head, are you okay?" Luke finally said. At first I wanted to avoid talking about what had happened earlier, but it was probably a good idea to get it all sorted out.

"Yeah. I'm really sorry about what happened." I sighed, I felt pretty embarrassed.

"No, don't apologise. Look, you're my best friend and I don't want to lie to you. I feel like you've probably guessed it by now, but I am really into you, Violet. And you're dating Calum, and I see how happy he makes you, so I really didn't want to tell you this, but I can't keep it to myself anymore. Fuck. I hope this doesn't ruin anything, because you're an incredible friend and I don't want to lose you." Luke rambled, not even stopping to take a breath as he spoke. And he wasn't the only one who wasn't breathing, because his confession really took my by surprise.

"You... like me?" Was all I could say.

Luke let out a quiet laugh. "How could I not?"

Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow. Luke liked me. I liked Luke. I was dating Calum.

"I'm dating Calum." I stated the obvious.

His small smile faded as soon as those words left my mouth. "Yeah. I know you are. And that's why nothing is going to happen between us."

And I wanted to tell him that I didn't feel the same way about Calum as I felt about Luke. But Luke had been doing so much better in general recently, and I didn't want to ruin that by complicating our relationship even further. So I stayed silent.

 "So we stay just friends." Luke added after a moment of silence.

"Yeah. We're good as friends anyway." I nodded, not believing a word I said.

When Luke didn't reply, I became desperate for something to talk about. "So, what are your Christmas holiday plans?"

"Christmas is like, three months away." He laughed and I blushed.

"I love Christmas, I've been thinking about what to get everyone for the last couple of months. And I've been thinking about how I'll decorate my room. And I've been thinking about how I'll get out of the terrible family trip we go on each year." I mumbled the last part. I knew how ungrateful I sounded, and generally was, but I didn't care. Those trips meant spending over a month in a beautiful new country, and I couldn't enjoy it because I hated my mother.

"Why don't you like your family, Violet?" Luke asked. He had asked this question a few times lately, but I had always brushed it off. "And can you actually tell me this time?"

"Luke, it's really not a big deal. My mother is a bitch, my father doesn't really have a big impact on my life, and I actually love Cassie."

"You can't go through life hating your parents! You'll regret never making an effort with them when you don't have the chance to anymore." He said, and I almost screamed.

"Are you fucking serious, Luke! You have no fucking idea about the effort I have made with my parents, they're the ones who never made an effort! And you also have no fucking idea how much it sucks to be a little girl who can't even get her parents to love her. And if my own parents can't love me then who the fuck can!" By this point tears were pricking at my eyes and I couldn't believe I had actually opened up about my parents to someone. 

"I can." He whispered.

"What?" I questioned, my breathing slowing down back to a normal pace.

"I can love you, Violet. I do." And we had said 'I love you' to each other before, and suddenly I wasn't sure if we had been saying it as friends or more.

"Luke, I can't even thank you enough for always being here for me. I love my friends but I don't know if I could sit out here and yell at them about my shitty parents, and I know for sure they wouldn't respond with an 'I love you'. I'm so unbelievably lucky to have you in my life."

"I'm even more lucky to have you. I can't even explain–Shit." He shook his head. "Let's go back inside."

"You don't wanna grab a coffee?" I asked eagerly, I wasn't ready to say goodnight to Luke yet.

"Not right now. We can go get one later, okay?" He smiled and my heart sunk, but I nodded.

"Sure.." Luke stood up and grabbed my hands to pull me up.

"How are you feeling?" We were standing so close together and he was still holding my hands. He was the most caring person I had ever met, even though he was so sad, and I admired that so much. I really, really wanted to kiss him. And I knew I shouldn't, but in that moment, I couldn't remember why I shouldn't be kissing him.

So I leaned into him, watching his beautiful blue eyes which I loved so much widen and then flutter shut as mine did when our lips finally connected.