Partners In Crime: Watch Them Break

Chapter 7: Small

"Have you ever missed someone so much you physically feel sick?"

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When Beth did go to her ultrasound appointment, she was surprisingly relieved that the little thing was alright. Just about 4 months old, trying to kick with what little legs it had. She felt love for it. But she was still confused how she felt as a whole. This whole thing was leaving her confused and scared. But looking at the vague picture of her little baby, she felt a little better. 

"Would you like to know the baby's gender?" the doctor asked, and Beth looked towards Moran, who was in the corner of the room. She shouldn't have been looking to him for help, but seeing how James was gone, she felt as if she had to. Moran smiled, shrugging. It was obvious that he was having trouble reacting to this situation as well. He was simply an employee turned friend, hired to be a sniper. He wasn't trained for this.

Beth turned towards the doctor, "Yes. Please."

The doctor took a few long glances towards the ultrasound picture, before replying, "Congratulations, Ms. Mare. You've got a little girl on the way."

Beth smiled, trying to work out in her mind how everything was going to work.

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The next time she hallucinated James was a few days later. She had been walking back to the flat from a small farmers market, when she saw him among the crowd of people. He was dressed a bit more plainly, with black slacks and a plain white button up t-shirt. They caught each others eyes at the same time, and they simply stared at each other for a few moments, paralyzed where they stood. Beth could feel her lip trembling, tears welling in her eyes.

"Jamie?" her voice was small. Trembling like she was nothing but a weak damsel. She took a few steps forward, before snapping out of her daze. Unfortunately, he did as well. He took off in the other direction, and Beth followed as fast as she could. Yet after a few minutes of doing her best to sprint through the crowds in the streets and the cars, she was exhausted. The fatigue was getting to her. She knew it wouldn't be good for her if she continued like this.

Besides, he was a hallucination anyway. What was the good of sprinting after him? She put her hand on her stomach, which seemed to grow a little every week. She was getting a bit of a bump. She watched reluctantly as his form slipped between the crowds.

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Beth both loved and hated her unborn daughter. She loved how she would always have a bit of James from now on. How she could have someone to talk to when the child got older. How she could tell the child about Jamie, and laugh sadly.

She hated her for all the same reasons. She would never see her husband again, yet she would see her little girl. She would never be him. She could never raise her baby without James.

Beth took a deep breath, thinking.

She wanted to keep it. But at the same time, she wanted to give it up for adoption the moment she could. She also needed to stop calling it "It". Beth knew it was going to be a girl, but what should it's name be? God, she hated that fact too. Naming it without James didn't seem right.

What should she name it? 

Naming it Jamie would only bring her sorrow. Naming it Ruby seemed too original.

Oh well. Why did she care anyway? Why should she even care about anything anymore? James had been one of the few things keeping her sane. Making her feel alive in every way. Oh god, she could remember before she had met him. She had been unstable. Prone to bursting out in anger or sorrow. She would spend one day fine and the next a complete mess. She didn't eat half the time, resulting in her small frame being able to fit into the larger air ducts for her various crime sprees. Beth had always been cold, and tired, waiting for something to wake her up.

And then Jamie had called her for that simple job interview, and everything had just felt so good. So... Alive. She hadn't felt empty anymore, or tired, or cold. Suddenly she had gotten someone to talk to. Someone to keep her feeling stable. He was her drug. Her fix. Someone to keep her outbursts at bay.

The moment she had lost him, she could feel the control slipping from her grasp again. The feeling of anger and fear seeping into her veins like a poison. It was driving her mad. She put a hand on her stomach, feeling the ever-growing bump. Was she really ready for a child? She wasn't mentally or emotionally stable for it, was she?

No. Of course she wasn't. Even now, she could still feel her mind losing itself. The steady decline of sanity that now seemed almost normal to her. It was like... Like coming home after a long vacation. Almost refreshing, in a sickly sweet kind of way. 

She sighed, walking to the kitchen and pouring herself a glass of some sort of juice. She didn't care what type, she just needed something to think about besides her ever growing worry. The juice tasted sweet, with a little bit of tartness. Apple, she guessed. But in all honesty, she didn't care one bit. It was just something to distract her from her own mind.

She sighed, thinking.

How did she ever get into this mess?