unchained

twenty-two

Phil's flash back
7 years & 2 months ago

"take me back to the night we met"

Before I knew it, Dan had pulled me off my bike and down a long, dry path beside the corn fields we had just walked through next to my house. He plucked one of the leaves from the branch and handed it to me, a mischievous smile on his face.
"For you," he smirked. I laughed and jeered him, grabbing the leaf and putting it into my pocket. There wasn't long left until Dan had to leave. He was meeting his parents at the park opposite school, so we decided to carry on down the fields in the hope that time would be on our side.

We cycled slowly, just talking, until we reached the field opposite. The mid-day sun was beating down on us in the clarity of the blue sky, and Dan's hair was dancing in the breeze. I caught sight of his glistening brown eyes as we made a cut through the field, the smell of pollen and freshly-mown grass striking. The birds were singing and chirping absent-mindedly in the distance.

"and then, I can tell myself
what the hell I'm supposed to do"

I sat down on the grass beside Dan, stretching out my legs until we were sprawled out across the field cloud-gazing, with not a single other person in sight. This was my haven. This was my happy place, my favourite spot. In fact, anywhere with Dan was my favourite spot - I was alive when I was with Dan. All of my worries escaped.

"and then, I can tell myself
not to ride along with you"

There was still an hour to go before Dan disappeared. Before he slipped from my grip I had once held onto him with so tightly.

"Was it a good final day in England?" I asked.
"It was, thankyou." He said, smiling broadly.
God, I was going to miss that smile.
"Dan, before you go, I just have to tell you something."
"Sure, anything."
My eyes started to prick with tears. "I don't want you to leave. I think I'm in love with you..."
Tears began to emerge at the brim of Dan's eyes, too, and he was looking at me horror-struck, yet slightly adoringly.
"Phil...I, I-
"Come away with me, Dan. We can be here, together. We can leave it all behind."
"Please, don't make this harder than it already is..." he stammered, getting to his feet, and I knew it was time to move on. His parents would be waiting for him if we didn't hurry.

"I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you"

I saw the entrance to the park in the distance and we came to a halt beside a park bench hidden under the shade of an over-head tree, our bikes resting on the floor beside us. Ten minutes remained until Dan met his parents at the front gate and they would all make their way to the airport.

Even though I had known he was leaving for weeks, it seemed as though it had only just hit me now that our friendship would never be the same again. Even if I did visit him, or he me, it wouldn't be like it was. We would have our own lives to return to, and he would no longer feel exclusive to me as a best friend should. I could accept that he would make new friends, but what pained me the most to have no control over was his relationship life. I wanted him for myself. I had avoided mentioning it for weeks, months even, just so I didn't scare him away. I wasn't even sure I was in love, I had no reference. I had never been in love before.

"take me back to the night we met.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you"

But, here we were, sitting on a park bench soaking up every little detail around us, soaking in the feeling of purely being in each other's presence before it was to be taken away from us.
It was selfish, that the universe got to spend more time with Dan than I. All his new friends in America would get to spend more time with him than I did, too.

"take me back to the night we met. when the night was full of terror
and your eyes were filled with tears"

We only had a few minutes left, and there was still so much I wanted to say. There was, however, one thing I just had to say before he left. I had to tell him that I was in love with him.

"when you had not touched me yet,
oh, take me back to the night we met"

We were callusy interrupted by the sound of a beeping horn. Dan's parents had come to pick him up. I checked the time on my watch, surely they hadn't come to steal him from me yet.
My heart sank.
1pm, it was time.
Dan waved to his family parked outside the entrance with the engine running, and he leaned in for a brief hug. I never wanted to let go. He brushed the side of my cheek with his hand.
"Goodbye, Phil Lester."

"I had all and then most of you some and now none of you"

I watched him as he walked towards the car, intermittently turning back to smile at me. I watched as he got into the car, and his parents waved their goodbyes to me, too. I watched as the red car drove away from the park entrance and away to the airport.

Little did I know, that would be the last I saw of Daniel Howell for seven years.