unchained

twenty-four

Dan
12:56pm

I reached the airport feeling weary and lonely, my eye-lids heavy from lack of sleep and crying.
Even though I was going home, I felt helpless and at a loss. Surely, I should be relieved after everything that had happened here? After all I was going home to see my family.

There was a gut-wrenching feeling that I had left one of the most important things behind, and my stomach churned at the emptiness.
I hadn't been able to shake Phil from my mind since I left this morning. I had spent the entire evening replaying our conversation and figuring out where I went wrong. It didn't take me long, I saw what I had done as soon as he left, and the feeling of guilt had been lingering for hours. All I wanted was to apologise, but I knew Phil would want nothing to do with me now. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to be near him. I wanted to apologise over and over and show him how much I cared about him.
The feeling was so intense, it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep a straight face and to function in front of everyone else around me; and no matter what I do, or where I go, no matter how many different countries I move to,  I will never stop thinking about Phil.

I sat up straight as though I had had an epiphany, my eyes suddenly widening and my palms beginning to perspire. I stared down at my bags and suitcase regretfully. I didn't want to be here...
I wanted to be with Phil.

Fuck. What had I done?

I had just left the best thing that has ever happened to me. Left him alone with the impression that I was never going to see him ever again. Left him with the impression that I didn't care about him, when really, he was all I cared about. And right now, I wanted him more than anything, but I fucked up.
My hands were now shaking, my legs heavy.

"Oh my god..." I whispered under my breath.
How did I not see it before?
How could I be so god-damn stupid?
I finally understood it.
What I couldn't comprehend was how I could be so blind to it all this time. All of my conflicted feelings over the past eight years, the last two weeks in particular, suddenly fell into place like the missing piece to a jigsaw puzzle.

I was completely and utterly in love with Phil Lester.

Clearly, I had been blinded by fear of stepping out of my comfort zone and my need to latch onto normality. I had tried to hide my feelings and deny it for so long, thinking it was just left over feelings, a fling, a high school crush turning out of hand. I thought I understood love having been with Amelia. I thought my feelings for Phil were just getting in the way because he had resurfaced back into my life. But when I thought about it in-depth, I had never actually stopped thinking about him. He had always been in the back of my mind. At the time, casting Phil aside seemed like the right thing to do. I was loyal to Amelia, I loved her. Or at least, I thought I did, but I didn't understand love until I met Phil Lester.

I know now, I had to become unchained before I could completely devote myself to Phil. He is my everything, and I had to be willing to sacrifice my old life in America to begin my life with him. He hadn't stopped loving me once in all those years.

Everything begins and ends with Phil. He gave me my life back all those years ago when he first met me. He taught me to love again, (although he never knew it) he taught me to let go and be free. He took my life away from me when I had to leave, not realising I had fallen so hard for him it was impossible to ever get over him. I knew that my life would begin truly with him and him alone. When I'm with Phil, I'm alive. Without Phil, I'm nothing. He brings out the best in me, he makes me want to be daring and let go, or at least try, which is more than anyone else has ever made me feel.

I stood up. Frantically gathering my bags, I sent a message to my mum.

'There's someone I left behind in England. I won't make the same mistake I made all those years ago'

I knew she'd know exactly what I meant.