The Untold Chronicles of Liliana Lawton

Chapter 1- I Am

"The waves crush against the rocks, feet in the sand,
Lost in a world of sorrow, I don't know who I am..."

The sound of waves crushing against the rocks. The wind blowing into my face caressing my blushed cheeks. There is no tomorrow, there is only today. My bright blue shirt reflects the sun light and my plain black jeans have a couple rips on the knees. Plain black boots, I'm not here to be glammed up.

The calm serenity, the feeling of serendipity and the peaceful thoughts as I sit and stare out into the ocean. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss myself. I feel dirty, unclean, the feeling of sin washing over me. I want that to go away, I want to be cleansed from this sadness. From this freedom-this fake freedom.

I can no longer tell who I am or who I even was or who I will be but for certain, if I look back, I may just be able to grasp my true self. Love, love to me is a lie, something that is so naïve. Learning to love is a true struggle that I cannot seem to answer to. I cannot look into love's eyes and tell her...or tell him that I understand them because I don't. My heart is cold or that's what I thought. My heart is in fact insecure and afraid to be broken. Afraid to be hurt, afraid to feel pain that it may not be able to ever let go. Because I've felt pain before, I've felt pain with my friends, with my family and with myself. Maybe, maybe that is love. Love is pain, love is hurt but most importantly, love is dangerous.

You can call me a conservative, a weirdo, virgin and a restricted unfree lover. But at the end of the day, this is who I am. No, you cannot touch me, no you cannot sleep with me, no you cannot kiss me, you are not allowed to hold me with such lust in your heart. I will not allow you to lust over me, I am not an object in front of you, I am not another feeling, another want or need. I am who I am.

My thoughts linger like the passing of time. The clouds are slowly blocking the sun, the warmth is no longer on me- it's becoming cold. Where are my friends? Where have they gone? I can hear their distant voices, but I cannot see them. I can feel their warmth but I cannot call out to them. They are my everything- my beginning, my middle and my end but where am I now?

I take a deep breath and let out a sigh. My body aches and my mind is jumbled, I am a mess. People like me are not looked kindly upon as I cannot love or lust. I want to understand you but first I must understand myself. And my friends are here to help me with that.

I stand up and walk towards the abandoned light house that's on the edge of the coastal cliff. Right beneath its balcony is the water-deep enough to jump into. I look at my shirt, it's no longer bright as the sun no longer shines on it. In fact, it's dull, unattractive and not interesting in any form. I walk to the edge of the balcony, which has broken barriers, and walk onto the plank. Should I jump? Should I finally cleanse myself?

It is tempting to finally let go but will this help me understand myself? Will I finally be able to grasp who I am? Will I be baptised into something beautiful, new and attractive? Something clean... or will I drown in my sorrow instead?

I hear my friends, they are no longer distant. I look down and see them looking up at me smiling. Four beautiful friends that no one can replace. Evan, the sly, cocky yet quiet boy. Violet, the happy one, full of dopamine. Ivy, the mischievous yet a determined honest leader. Lastly, Lester, the loud and obnoxious one that keeps us together.

I smile at them who are telling me to come back down but no I'm not coming back down their way. I look ahead of me, into the sunset surrounded by light pink clouds. The birds fly by, chirping and whistling to the sound of waves. It's finally time, I must jump. I close my eyes, I breathe in and run towards the sea. I jump, soaring into the air with the wind blowing at my shirt. Legs dangling and my arms in the air and finally I hit the water. Down I go, slowly sinking, my eyes closed.

I start to remember, there was more to this, there is more to this. Who am I? Who are my friends? Who are we?

I am who I am. I must find out.