The Untold Chronicles of Liliana Lawton

Chapter 12-Heart

"They say your heart is where you feel the most pain,
But understanding your emotions helps getting through the rain."

I sat in the chair slightly twitching from side to side. I was trying to find a comfortable position to sit in. I've been here before, a few times already but I don't get used to new things that quickly, which is probably why I'm here.

It feels almost odd to be back, feels like I've never left. My counselor, Rachelle, was understanding of how I felt. She never pushed me to speak when I didn't want to. I felt comfort within that. My heart felt at ease when I would talk to her because she would listen, regardless of how blunt or expressive I was. 

At times I would spill it all to her, forgetting to take breaths in between and then, there were times where I would only say a few words. 

What truly mattered was my memory of certain events. Things that felt unclear, events that were blurred out or had missing parts and I had to piece it together. Rachelle would help at times, but, I was the one who needed to remember, not her. 

However, we were at the end of the story, of my best friends Evan, Violet, Ivy and Lester. I was starting to slowly understand what truly happened to them, what happened to us.

It took so long for me to see it, too long, roughly three years. It was hard at first to accept it, it felt too heavy of a burden to carry. 

"So, as the light went green, I drove and then... and then the truck....th- the truck."

Tears slowly started to roll down my eyes. I couldn't continue, I didn't want to.

"The truck ran a red light and hit the passenger side?" Rachelle continued for me.

I looked up at her, our eyes meeting. I nodded.

"He died on scene." 

"Do you feel guilty about it, Liliana?"

I stayed silent for a minute, trying to collect up my thoughts. These nightmares are consistent, I keep ending up in the same place.

"Yes, it was my fault."

Rachelle nodded and took down some notes.

"So," Rachelle cleared her throat, "Lester stabbed himself in the heart, basically suicide, Ivy drowned herself, also suicide, Violet went missing on vacation and Evan died in the car crash."

There was silence between us. 

"Yes," I answered, "And it's all my fault."

"How?"

Without looking up I continued, "I gave Lester my custom made knife to borrow, I was too late to Ivy's house when she messaged me, I was with Violet on vacation when she went missing, and finally, I was the one driving when we got hit. I was also intoxicated."

Silence filled the room. 

"You feel guilty for the death of your friends even though it was all out of your control?"

"I could've stopped it if-"

I fell silent. More tears started to fall down my eyes. I felt guilty, remorseful, I couldn't get the images out of my head.

"We can stop if you like?"

I shook my head, "No."

Rachelle nodded, "Lester took his own life, not because you gave him your knife to borrow, but because he wanted to. It was his choice. Same goes for Ivy, as for Evan, the truck driver ran a red light and hit your car. Whether you were intoxicated or not, there was no way you could've stopped the truck driver from running a red light and hitting you. As for Violet, you woke up and she wasn't there."

Silence again and I looked up at Rachelle

"If I didn't take Evan to get food, if I was able to drive faster to Ivy's house, if I stayed awake with Violet, if I didn't give Lester my knife-"

I couldn't continue, it was getting too much.

"It's true that in certain situations you could've changed fate but in most, you cannot. Lester would've used any other knife, Violet would've left another time and Ivy would've found any other way...Sometimes, life finds its way."

There was silence between us, tears still rolled down my eyes and my heart was still heavy.

"When will I be able to forget all this, Rachelle? When?"

Rachelle put on a half smile, with much needed effort.

"I don't think you ever will. But with time, you will learn to accept it and hopefully, move on."