Shhh...

000

Feeling little fingers lightly fanning my face, it's too early and my own personal alarm has made it a routine to get me up each morning. I am not a morning person but for this little figure I will make an exception. Sighing out and slowly opening my eyes the sight before me makes my heart flutter. The cutest set of mesmerising hazel eyes, freckles sparingly sprinkled on his face with the adornment of dark brown hair matching his light coloured skin.

It's only 6.30am and I'm still not ready to conquer the world but the eyes staring back at me makes my early mornings worth getting up for. Instructing him to go and brush his teeth and then get his uniform ready while waiting for me is met with a nod and a kiss to my cheek.

Laying out my work attire for the day and then walking into the bathroom to shower, it wasn't long before I was dressed, make up done and making my way to his room.

The sound of the TV blasting from his room brought a smile to my face. Leaning against the door frame of his room looking in, I couldn't help but be captured by his features, the way he pouts, acts, talks, his mannerisms, all belonging to him. He was so engrossed in the programme that he didn't hear me walk into his room. I watch him as a frown makes way onto his little face. I wonder what he is thinking about. Slowly he raises his head and looks over to me. My heart drops seeing the emotion on his face. Before he could say a word, I am in front of him hugging him closely to me and whispering how much I love him. It's the same routine every single day in the near 5 years he has been in my life.

Who would've thought I would be blessed to be someone's mother. To be given the privilege of nurturing and loving another human being and be thought of as a good mother gave me a sense of belonging and completeness.

I did not have an easy life growing up and the opportunities I was given I made the most of. My family was not rich, I had a single mother who never once complained of the hardships she was facing, she received no emotional and financial support from anyone, but whatever she had, she made do and not once did she complain about anything. She is my role model, regardless of our circumstances I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My mother passed on that determination for me to live my life for me and not to take anything for granted. It is for this very thought that I have never faltered in the goals that I had set for myself. I wasn't like the typical girls growing up, I wasn't pampered or spoilt, I had to work hard for everything I needed. My mother didn't have the money to buy me flash clothes or shoes, I had to get a part time job to buy what I needed because there was no way I was going to borrow from any of my family or friends. Now I have a purpose providing for my son and ensuring he has the best things that life brings including the many opportunities available to him.

Wrapping my arms around his little body, I hugged him tight, relishing in the feel of his arms enveloping me into a hug. I love this little boy and however he came about, the fact remains I will do anything for him and will die before any harm comes to him.

We walked hand in hand to the kitchen, only the sound of our shoes on the stairs could be heard. I looked down at him and my heart swelled at the thought of him being my son. My blessing. What did I do to deserve such a well behaved, thoughtful young boy I can only admire him and pray that he grows up knowing he is well loved, by his family and all his friends.

Settling down on the kitchen stool I watch as my 4-year-old busies himself getting the essentials out to make his breakfast. A few minutes pass and I don't hear a sound from him.

Trying to finish off listening to some audio notes for a meeting later in the day that I don't see the spread before me. My little person has made me coffee and has laid out some toast topped with fruit. I'm smiling from ear to ear at his attempt at fixing me breakfast. "Thank you, baby, you did very well."

"Mama?" I hear his voice and with my head slowly rising to look at him, his eyes peering into mine he's looking at me with uncertainty.

"Baby boy, what is it?" I don't know what he's thinking but I see the look on his face and I feel like I know what he's about to ask me. "Talk to me baby, why the long face?"

"Mama, when am I going to see my Dad?" Oh God, what am I going to say to him? "Son, we've already talked about this." I try to change the subject but he doesn't back down.

"But Mama all the other kids at school have their Dads drop them off and pick them up after school. Some Dads also pick them up after basketball practice, why can't my Dad do that?"

"Does he not want to see me?" My baby, he's hurting and I don't know what to do about it. I walked over and crouched down in front of him, I can feel tears about to fall down my face but I need to be strong for my son, "Baby boy, you are the most important person in my life, and you know I will do anything for you." He only nods as I place him on my lap, rocking him gently and reassuring him with a kiss on his forehead.

"Your Daddy loves you very much, and your whole family love you very much." Why did I just lie to my son like I know where the hell his father is. Not that I wanted to know where he is but the way I am freely telling my son that his father knows about him scares me of the outcome I know will be near.

"Baby, right now, it's a bit difficult because Daddy lives in another state but listen to me, I promise you, I will look into it and see if we can get him to come and hang out with us. How does that sound?"

The biggest smile sweeps across his face and I can't help but laugh at all his white baby teeth showing. He pecks my cheek and hugs me again, telling me he loves me, before he settles back onto the stool and begins to eat.

Inwardly I don't know what to do or how to go about facing any of my past, especially him. I've tried so hard to move forward but how can I deny my son's happiness if I don't want to face the one person to cause all this pain from my past.

The more I thought about it, the more I feel anger building, ugh, that rasshole!