Shhh...

004

It was nearing 6pm when we arrived home. My Babyboy was tired so it was straight to the bathroom while I got his pyjamas ready. After settling CJ in bed, I went back downstairs to see Jace curled up on the couch watching NetFlix. I went and made some hot cocoa before sitting across from him trying to understand what the hell we were watching. It was a nice quiet evening of nothing but trash on TV and good company. The hot drink warming me up, there was a comfortable silence. Jace and I hadn't finished our conversation before we left for CJ's game so I knew he was dying to ask me again.

Looking over at him, "Jace, you asked me a question before we left, and the answer to your question is yes, Christian is CJ's father and he doesn't know anything about him."

He sat up and looked at me. "Were you ever going to tell him about CJ? Did you ever have the chance to sit down with him and really talk about what you two went through and why he was acting like that? You know guys have a different way of dealing with emotions and perhaps he was going through something and he didn't feel he needed to tell you about it. I know what he did was wrong, shit, more than wrong but I know you, and you would want to know why he was acting like that."

"Really Jace? Whose side are you on?"

"C'mon sis, you know I'm always on your side. Now I've never met Christian but the way you were telling me what you two got up to with your goofy selves, you should see your face, it just lit up without you knowing you were smiling."

My cheeks heat up at Jace's reveal because it is true, Christian was my everything and in the blink of an eye he didn't care for me anymore. Sudden sadness comes over me as I wipe away a fallen tear that I didn't know was sliding down my face. I really need to get it together and stop this emotional shit.

"He was my best friend, he was my first everything and I loved him, he was always there for me and I know he loved me more. We did everything together for 4 years and then all of a sudden, he completely left me. Before that damn party I made every effort to talk to him but he wouldn't even sit in the same room as me. I was absolutely devastated when I found him at the party with that girl. If he really loved me, he would've sat me down and had the conversation with me but no, he chose those people over me. That is what I can't get my head around, that he would just leave me without opening his mouth. He acted like I didn't mean something or that my feelings didn't mean anything to him. That shit hurts and it's taken me years to try and put my heart back together. I don't think I've ever gotten around to truly give myself away to another man again. I'm angry because he didn't fight for our love. I'm angry at myself for not making the effort for our love but after witnessing what he did there was no way my heart could take it. I had so many questions I wanted to ask him but I couldn't bring myself to go and see him. There were so many thoughts going through my head that I started blaming myself for him acting the way he did.  I know he was wrong, so why should I go and seek him out when he should be grovelling at my feel asking for my forgiveness!   You know we had big plans for the future. He wanted to play basketball and he sang as well so he was drawn to singing and was getting his demo tapes ready to send off while I was working towards credits to get into medical school. We had everything planned out. In the end I didn't know what happened with his future plans."

I feel a migraine coming on and I can't do anything but try to explain to Jace the pain that is in my heart. Sighing loudly "When I arrived here I didn't know I was pregnant. It wasn't until a few weeks after arriving that I got quite sick with headaches and extreme fatigue. I ended up collapsing at home but luckily Mama was at home and she took me to the hospital. The Doctors found that I was very dehydrated and I had to have blood tests done. Long story short I was 2 months pregnant. I didn't even feel sick while I was in LA. I just thought all the shit with Christian triggered my stress levels. I didn't believe it at first when the Doctor told me. I was so angry that this was another situation that I found myself in that I had no control over. I wasn't ready to be a mother and I just didn't want to think about it. All the emotions I felt I didn't know how to deal with it. Mama tried her best to console me with stories of our upbringing and the happy times we had but that didn't register in my head. I was more grateful that we were here and not in LA because I just knew the rumours will start. As the months went by I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror and seeing my protruding stomach knowing that my unborn child would never know his or her father and you know what, I was fine with that because I was still angry at Christian for all the shit he put me through. Do I regret not telling him, yes and no. Yes, because my son is not happy not knowing if his Dad knows about him or wants to see him. No, I don't regret it because he did this to me, he did something he knew would break me and yet he still didn't own up to it and that has left me angry and hurt to this very day. Please don't say anything I've worked hard to make sure CJ has everything he needs and that I'm providing without hesitation."

"All this time you haven't kept in touch with anyone from LA? Have you heard from him or those associated with him since you've been in New York?"

"No, I didn't feel I needed to. I was over that place and maybe it was just me and my overthinking but I feel like my friends knew about his whereabouts and the chicks he was fucking with but they didn't extend the courtesy to let me know. I'd rather they or anyone tell me so that I could've sat down with Christian and asked him about it but no one did, I had to find out the hard way. I changed my number, stayed my ass in the house other than to leave for school or my part time job. A couple of weeks after graduation Mom and I were already on our way to New York. No one knew I had left, at this point I didn't trust anyone, not even my close friends. I was so angry, at myself, and everyone around me and I just couldn't be bothered with them anymore!  Mama went through it with our father and it's those negative memories that made me be selfish and work at my relationship. I've been so focused on work, my practice and CJ that everything else is null to me." Jace just sat there in deep thought.

"But Ana, I know CJ has asked about his father, are you really going to deny your son from seeing and meeting him?"

"Look all I can say is, whatever happens in LA, if I see him then I will deal with it then but in the meantime, I need to make sure my son is okay and nothing will deter me from that. Please just leave it now, I've learnt to accept that CJ may never see or meet Christian."

"Yana Chanel Fenton don't you dare use that as an excuse to deny my nephew what he longs for. Can't you see the unhappiness on his face. Just because you're his mother you think he's comfortable enough to tell you how he really feels? Well he doesn't. He is more comfortable telling me that he wants to see his father. That boy cries to sleep at night because he feels like he's the reason why his father is not here to see him. CJ doesn't want you to see him cry because then he won't feel like he's a big boy. Stop this shit now and swallow your pride and you better see to it that when you do relocate to LA you better hope and pray that nigga accepts your excuse for not allowing him to see his son let alone know he had a son in the first place. I don't give a fuck if you're still hurt from what happened with you two but you better fix it. You know I love you and will always support you but this, right here, what you're delaying in doing, is not right and you know it. Think about it Ana and do what is right for your son!"

I can't get a word out due to my loud sobs. I feel arms wrap around me and my brother is whispering he's got my back. I feel like a bad mother.

"Hey look at me, stop that crying now, I know it was hard for you but please CJ's happiness is all that we want and you're the only person to make it happen. Think of your son."

"You think I don't Jace? That boy's happiness means more to me than anything in this world!"

"I'm sorry, I know there's no doubt about it. But look we'll talk more in the morning and start packing because I know you've already made up your mind about relocating to LA."

"Thank you."

"I love you sis.  Get some rest and I'll see you tomorrow."

Well it looks like we're LA bound