Adoration (H.S)

𝙋𝙧𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙜𝙪𝙚

"We grew up way too fast,

And now there's nothing to believe,

And reruns all become our history,

A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio" 

- Black Balloon by The Goo Goo Dolls. 

LILA

          I remember it like it was yesterday. But 15 years have passed, and my family are no longer with me as much as I wish they were. 

Thinking back, memories I envision are all around me, everything I look at, smell, touch, sparks something in me that allows me to remember a time with them, even something so small. The tragic accident that occurred has never left my mind, I was only 6 when the car crash caused by a drunk driver happened, taking them away from me. He fled the scene of the crime and their car went up into flames killing them all, instantly. My mother, father and sister. It was like living in a nightmare that you couldn't wake up from, no amount of crying or screaming could change anything. 

I was the only one who didn't get into the car that night, I was staying with my Aunt instead. There are some days where I don't know whether I should hate myself for being alive or be happy and thank God that I am able to live the life I was given - it was a fine line. My Aunt took me in after the accident happened and that's where I started to turn a little reckless as I grew older. I wasn't easy on her I must admit and had many arguments with her that led to us both breaking down in tears. I knew that the accident caused her so much pain too, I mean, she had just lost her sister, one of her nieces and her brother in law. But in my head, all I could think was that I was an orphan now, my mom and dad were no longer alive and I couldn't process it at all...until therapy came along when I was 13. The psychological damage caused by finding out your family had been killed was a lengthy one, I tell you. Years and years of counselling, CBT and support groups led me to be able to start the process of healing and start channelling my recklessness and anger into other things.

When I moved to my Aunt's house, the neighbours next door had a son a couple of years older than me, his name was Harry. We quickly grew to be best friends and eventually, you never saw us apart. None of us thought him being older was different or weird, he acted as silly as I did for the most part and with everything that had happened to me, he understood why in some situations I was already more mature than I should've been. Harry could always tell when something was bothering me, he'd look at me with those green eyes, like they were staring deep into my soul, he would never lose eye contact until you looked away first, he was good at reading me, that's for sure. He would always make me laugh and make me believe that I do deserve to have good things in my life, he was a prime example of being one of them. He was definitely an angel sent to me in one of the hardest periods of my life, I adored him with every piece of me, truly.  

Harry has always been into singing and writing his own songs, he would constantly carry around his guitar and an old tattered brown journal, he never stopped. The lyrics he created and the melodies to go with them were wondrous, he had you gripped with every word, he made you feel something every time. His music taste was a mixture of his mum and step-dads. Anne and Robin became somewhat like my adopted family. I spent the majority of evenings with Harry playing video games, or watching movies, eating dinner and having sleepovers. Our stomachs and faces hurt from all the laughter we were displaying throughout the night. As soon as Harry turned 16, he auditioned for The X-Factor and even though they came in third, he found fame in the boyband One Direction. The amount of pride I had for him throughout all of those months competing and then watching him achieve his dreams in front of my eyes, I was thrilled and so in awe of him. I always said to him from the beginning that his talents should never go to waste and that he had always been born to create masterpieces to share with the world. 

Even though I was and always will be ecstatic for Harry's successes in life, I haven't seen him in 7 years. I never got to say goodbye to him before he was whisked away into his celebrity lifestyle and the thought of him not even wanting to come back and visit me breaks my heart every time I think about it. I was heartbroken for months after he left, seeing his face in magazines and news reports with new girlfriends every other week, drunken nights out as he got older with random hookups too, he didn't seem like the Harry I used to know anymore. He promised he would call, text, he did for the first year or so into his new life, but after that...nothing. No visits, no contact at all. I always tried not to feed into the "fake" news and the social media lifestyle he is consumed by but only so much can be fake, right? 

There has now been complete silence for the last 6 years after the texts and phone calls stopped. Harry is 23 now and we haven't celebrated a birthday or anything remotely close to that since he was 16. He has no clue of anything that has happened to me since he left, and he hasn't made any effort to try and find out, I even wonder sometimes if he still cares about me or remembers my name. 

There were only so many calls and text messages I could send to him until it became embarrassingly painful that he wasn't going to return any of them.

All I see now is his face everywhere, but not where I want him to be. I want him to be right in front of me, in the flesh. He's infuriating and it makes me angry that he thinks he can pursue a new life but then just forget about his best friend like I was nothing to him? The one who supported him and encouraged him to make the decisions that got him to where he is. He deserves so much hatred and angst towards him from me but I just can't bring myself to be like that. I feel that he is still MY Harry and I just wish I knew how to find that out, somehow. I have to be able to one day. 

My adoration for him has never left.  

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Hey, my loves! 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)  

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All the love, always.