Adoration (H.S)

𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙎𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣

"Gatekeeper, can you show me more to life?

Mainly I've been living out of spite,

Grim Reaper, just give me one more night,

I need another chance to say goodbye,

I shouldn't have to die to feel alive."

- Alive by Khalid

LILA

          It felt like hours before Harry's sobbing started to ease up, we both sniffled now and again just taking our time gathering our thoughts. I sat there and held him, the same way he was holding me, as he probably recalled every single thing I've just told him through his mind. I didn't want him to feel guilty, I didn't want him to be upset and I didn't want him to think differently of me in any way, although I feel like he might.

The way he kept repeating the word "sorry" told me that my first and second thoughts were correct. It's obviously not his fault that he was away, although, at the time, a part of me was incredibly angry that he wasn't around to know what was happening or to comfort me like he did when we were younger. But I couldn't blame that on him, he had no idea what was going to happen and neither did I, it would be selfish of me to hold that against him.

But I had no clue how he thought of me at this moment, I'm...damaged. That's how I've always envisioned myself since it happened and I've told myself countless times that it's the main reason why I can't seem to find the right person for me. Once he knows what's happened to me in my past and how it affects me now every day, he will take no time in turning and running miles away from here. No one would want to be with a woman like me.

Disgusting.

Worthless.

Wanting to die.

These were the inner thoughts of a 'model', what a joke. My job is a questionable career path for me as you may also think now. I'm not very secure with myself and my body, yet I have to pose for countless photoshoots, runway shows, looking confident and put together when inside all I am is vulnerable. A word that I hate to label myself as but it's the only truth. And why shouldn't Harry look at me any differently? I've seen the multiple women he has been connected with, whether they were all true or not, who knows? but the characteristics of each of them were never different: blazing blonde, tall, so beautiful, the complete opposite to me. He won't want to be around me anymore, especially after today.

"Harry, please don't cry, I hate seeing you like this, please" I begged Harry, lifting his face towards mine as I softly caressed the tears on his cheeks away with my fingers. "It will be okay...I will be okay"

His face that showed so much despair knew deep down that I wasn't okay and I hadn't been for a long time, even if I did try and put up a front.

"Li, you are not okay, how can you even say that? How could I let this happen to you? You always used to be safe with me. Always" Harry's voice was sharp but it trailed off at the end as he just stared at the wall, his face was like stone.

I sat there looking at him, taking in every detail, noticing the small wrinkles around his eyes, the slight stubble on his face, he was the same but so different. I still felt safe with him and although he wasn't around, I couldn't help but know that he truly did feel awful. It was written all over his damn face, for goodness sake.

"Harry, you couldn't have done anything. You were living your dream, it's just something that happened and I have to accept it.", he looked at me then scoffed slightly, I shrunk back a little sensing that what I was saying probably wasn't helping the situation. He gently pushed my legs off him as he stood up from the sofa.