Adoration (H.S)

𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙎𝙞𝙭

* WARNING -  graphic scenes ahead including sexual assault*

"Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you."

- Fix You by Coldplay

LILA

          Having Harry back home felt surreal, to say the least, we tried to watch 3 different films but kept getting sidetracked as he chatted away about the tours he has been so lucky to embark upon with the boys as well as his now new solo material he's creating and how he has his own band that his manager helped him put together. It was nice just hearing his voice again so I didn't mind that we spent hours catching up. Both of his arms seemed to have travelled down to my waist, just holding me close to him. Lying against his chest, every now and then I feel his fingers lightly comb through the ends of my hair, his heart beating softly against my cheek.

I tried to listen to all of his stories thoroughly but I found that he would start one and then soon trail off into a train of thought when he spoke about something funny or exciting, he always used to do that when we were younger too, maybe some things don't change even as we grow up? But I couldn't help thinking that he didn't know anything about my life anymore, not properly.

Not from the last seven years anyway.

I knew that I had to tell him at some point, but does it have to be in the next few days? Or do I leave it until he comes home again, but who knows when that's going to be. It was too overwhelming and I felt like I was fighting a losing battle with myself, it shouldn't be this hard. Not with him.

I was supposed to be his best friend, yet at this moment, he didn't know that he was probably sitting next to a completely different person now. Trauma can do that to a person...

I tried to keep them at bay, but small teardrops found their way down my face at the thought of him finding out everything. I'm so ashamed. I didn't want him to know, it would break him, I know it would and he would blame himself when in reality that couldn't be more wrong. I sniffled quietly trying to not interrupt his speech, but when he stopped mid-sentence, I knew he had heard.

"Lila, hey, hey, what's wrong?", he looked down at me as he unwrapped his arms from my waist, and lifted me up gently. I wish he could read my mind so I didn't have to say it all, not again.

"Nothing Harry, I'm sorry, just carry on with what you were talking about", I couldn't meet his eyes but I knew he was shaking his head, his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to piece together what was wrong with me. What are you thinking, Lila? He is never going to leave it alone, there was no point in even saying that.

"Tell me what's wrong please...why are you crying?", I looked up at him and all I could see was the concern in his eyes, it's too soon to tell him, he will be so angry and hurt and that's the last thing I want him to be right now. Breathing in slowly, my eyes took all of him in. Some curls hanging slightly down onto his forehead, his piercing green eyes that still held youth in them yet underneath lay small bluish hues probably from lack of sleep and how busy he is...but they were still his eyes, the ones that looked into mine every day before he left, but this man wasn't my 16-year-old Harry anymore and I had to get used to that. I had to accept it even if it was difficult.

"I don't know what to say H... there's so much to tell you and I don't want you to think or look at me any differently but I know that I can't let you leave here without you knowing everything... but I just can't find the right words." At this point, my arms were flailing around moving faster than my lips were and I was only taking shallow breaths in, tears rolled down my cheeks. Harry had seen me have panic attacks before he left and at one point he was the only one who could calm me down, but I had to cope without him, and I did but at this moment he was the only thing I wanted.