Chanel's Fics

Thoughts: Pernicious - Kaisoo

THOUGHTS: PERNICIOUS 

Summary: 

Kyungsoo falls apart inside his own head, and Jongin can only watch from the sidelines.

//

Jongin doesn't know the first time it happens. Actually, Jongin can’t even remember the exact moment until he reads an entry in Kyungsoo’s diary, and then it comes back to him in vivid detail.

It's only later, years later, when EXO are long disbanded and all the members are pushing thirty-five, when Jongin’s retired from his solo career, that he’ll re-open Kyungsoo’s diary and label this as the moment it all began to fall apart.

—

This is how it all starts:

When the twelve members of EXO board the plane to Thailand, they're expecting 

some

 kind of heat, but what hits them is totally unexpected. Thailand is humid, stuffy, the summer air still and unbroken by any hints of wind. While Jongin's admittedly not a big fan of the cold, he's even more averse to the heat. At least inside the buildings, things are more bearable—Jongin survives the radio and variety shows they're made to perform on, and EXO-K are given a rare Sunday off. Joonmyun insists that they all go out and explore the wonders of Thailand. Chanyeol and Baekhyun bound along enthusiastically, and even Sehun's usually emotionless face is betraying signs of a smile. Jongin's not so keen. He just wants to sleep in the hotel.

Kyungsoo stays with him.

Kyungsoo sprawls on their hotel bed, face-down, unspeaking. The air-conditioning's not working, so the hotel staff have brought in a junky old fan to appease them. The hum of the fan in the background drills into Jongin's brain, a mindless drone, meditative. Jongin plants himself down next to Kyungsoo, hands naturally finding the back of Kyungsoo's neck, squeezing the curve between his neck and his shoulders. The members are all tired and stressed and strapped for 

CASH

. Massages seem kind of altruistic—and Jongin is feeling rather apologetic towards Kyungsoo today for keeping him behind like this.

Jongin's muscles ache and his joints strain as he shifts from his lazy position on the bed and digs his knuckles in particularly deep. He winces. Yixing always complained at Jongin to back off when Jongin started “attacking his neck” in the dance practise room. Maybe I'm going too deep, Jongin thinks. He lightens the pressure.

“You're not,” Kyungsoo says, breaking the silence. “Go on.”

The fan stalls and clatters to a halting stop.

“What?” Jongin asks. He's acutely aware that Kyungsoo's suddenly spoken up out of nowhere, but who knows? It's late, they're both tired, and god knows how early they have to get up tomorrow morning to board the flight. Maybe it's the heat talking. Maybe it's fatigue. Maybe Kyungsoo's gone crazy and he's talking to himself. It's not really a big deal.

Kyungsoo doesn't elaborate. Jongin furrows his brows and kneads harder.

Thirty-five degree celsius heat, a foreign country, and a broken fan.

Jongin can't wait to be back in Korea.

—

Jongin only figures it out later, weeks later, when they're back in their dorms in Seoul and he's curled up in the corner of their dorm room in a pile of pillows, listening to music on his iPod. Yixing had given him the track after one of their late night practises. Jongin's not entirely sure what all the lyrics are, Chinese syllables jumbling in his mind, but after listening to EXO's own songs on repeat for hours, nursing a back injury, anything that doesn't remind him of the blue and white clouds in the practise room is a welcome change.