Before My Eyes

The Playground

I'm perched on the swing seat, rocking back and forth slowly, head looking down at the gravel beneath me.

I try not to think about this morning, the things he said, the effect it had on me. Why were his words so important? I'd texted Kicks immediately after, telling him to meet me here tonight.

I stayed in my room all day, through lunch and dinner. Alex snuck me a sandwich and a juice carton. She didn't even ask me questions; she knew I wouldn't have answered.

At the sound of a gate screeching open, I lift my gaze to find Kicks walking through it, his face beaming in the light of his cigarette.

'Mazzzz, y'alright?' He passes the peeling once-red slide and pulls me up from the swing by hands into a hug. We walk out the playground and through the mud, his arm around me.

He looks down at me the whole way, laughing, until we reach a footpath, where he guides me to a tree deeper into the side of it.

His hands are now placed on my waist, pulling me closer into him. Our bodies are flush against eachother, but his lips on mine aren't soft.

This feels different, strange. He's being rough with me and his hands are wandering at their own pace. His hot breath on my neck feels amazing and I close my eyes, letting him in, my arms around his neck, cigarette in hand.

'Slut', Raff's bitter voice echoes through my head.

I desperately try to ignore it. It doesn't stop and comes louder now, even more persistent.

'You're a fucking slut.' I'm squeezing my eyes tight now and barely notice how far down me Kicks' hands have gone. I push them back up quickly. He pulls away, his eyes wide and confused.

'Let's stop now, yeah?' He frowns at me.

'Maliiii, c'mon,' he pleads, still holding me.

'Nah, Kicks, I'm not a slut,' I realise how determined I am, Raff's words still haunting me.

'Well, you're not exactly hard to get,' he laughs and starts to carry on.

I drag on my cigarette and flick it into a pile of damp leaves, pushing him away gently. I walk away and feel satisfied with myself. The voice is duller now.

'Mazz, come back. Come on I was joking, I promise.' He runs after me down the path. 'Mali, mate.'

I stop and he turns me around by my shoulders. He stands above me, concerned. I know Kicks and I know when he's being serious. Even if he wasn't joking before, he's genuinely sorry now.

'I'm sorry, Mazz, I didn't want you to get upset. I thought it's what you wanted.' He smiles down at me.

'It's fine, Kicks, don't worry.' I force a smile back up at him. I check my phone: 23:30. 'Shit, I need to go.' I reach up to hug him and kiss his cheek.

I zip up my jumper and hold the hood over my head, running into the night.