Before My Eyes

London

My mum's white hand feels limp in mine and her tufty brown hair has practically disintegrated with all her drugs. We sit listening to the medley of bleeping machines, with her sometimes asking me about school.

It's weird that nothing's changed, that this cancer hadn't been like some huge miracle for our relationship, like it's supposed to be. She's still the same helpless woman. Actually, it's exactly the same as it was before this all happened - we have practically nothing to say to each other.

"How's Raff?" My mum met him at some compulsory evening for parents and students at school. Because I stay at other people's houses in the holidays, it's been the only time they've met.

"He's alright."
"You know, he's a nice boy. I like him. He's a good friend to have." I can see her smiling at me, but I don't catch her eye.
"Yeah he is." Raff is a good friend to have, actually he's the best, she's right, but for all she knows he could be a prick.

After about 5 minutes of awkward small talk and then 2 of silence, I hear her gulp and clear her throat. "Dollie, the doctors have discussed the different options for me."

"And? What did they say?" She frowns and looks down, seeming to hold back tears.
"There's nothing left they can do. I've got about a month." She blinks and tears spurt from her eyes. They trickle down her cheeks and drop onto the crisp pillows.

She holds out her arms to me and I lie next to her for a while. She twiddles and plaits parts of my hair, her crying and me just looking down at the crinkly bed sheets.

When I'm walking out her door, I hear my phone buzz. The screen reads Teddy's name and I swipe to pick up. "Where are you?" His voice surprises me.
"In the hospital. You?"
"Look left."
I do as he says and spot him at the end of the ward corridor, pointing at me like he's trying to work out who I am and waving goofily. Then he runs over to me, laughing, and puts his arm around me.

"What we doing now then?"
"My train leaves in two hours so whatever until then." We run through the closing doors of the crowded lift.
"Aha you're not leaving at 8, Mali. You're coming back to mine now."

***

Teddy lives pretty near the hospital and it only takes us 15 minutes to walk there. "Why're you always at the hospital?" I suddenly realise that I don't even know the first thing about him.
"Why not?"

We turn from streets and streets of grey blocks of flats onto a tree lined road full of beautiful white houses.
"C'mon seriously."
"My brother was diagnosed with Leukaemia two years ago. He's stayed at home with us for a bit now, but last month it got worse so he's back in hospital."
"Oh I'm sorry." I haven't really felt what it's like being the one telling someone else they're sorry because of cancer.

He slows in front of one with a cherry blossom tree drooping over the empty driveway.
"Alright, this is it." For a minute I think he's joking. I'd never thought that Teddy was rich. But sure enough, he flips his drawstring bag round to his front and rattles around for his keys. I follow him up the marbled stairs to the front door.

He opens it, revealing a huge atrium. A glass spiral staircase winds up through the middle and the walls are covered in those cheesy family photoshoot shots. "Make yourself at home!" He sings and I grin back at him.

As we walk past the glass staircase, I catch sight of one of him and what I'm guessing is his brother. They look pretty similar, both have the same blonde hair and clear eyes, except his brother looks older and neater. They're both wearing white t shirts and laughing, Teddy jumping onto the other's back.

I don't ask anything about him to Teddy, although I want to. He leads me to a less showy staircase at the back of the hall with normal wood steps and bannister. As I step into his room, I'm overwhelmed by the smell of weed and boy's deodorant. Clothes lay scattered among the empty beer bottles and his walls are smothered with scribbled graffiti and millions of photos. Immediately I feel myself start to sweat in the hot, humid air of the room.