Before My Eyes

Raff's Room

Raff's warm hand on the small of my back leads me all the way to his dorm. Miss Corker said we could take off lessons until lunch to get ourselves sorted out.

I keep my head bowed and we stay in silence, walking down the linoleum corridors. All I can think of is Mr Fitzpatrick's body sticking with sweat against mine and his harsh voice in my ear.

Once we arrive at Raff's door, he asks, 'You need a shower?'

I nod my head, still keeping it bowed down to the floor and walk through the open door. He takes two towels from his closet and hands them to me. I look up at him and manage a small smile and for a moment it's like we barely knew each other.

He's careful around me, I can tell, but he still always manages to say and do the right things.

I make my way to his bathroom and begin to shut the door until I hear him say: 'Wait, Mali. You forgot this.'

He throws me one of his t-shirts and it's only then that I see the amount of concern in his eyes. His dimples faintly indent his cheeks as he smiles, almost painfully, at me.

I close the door and press my back against it for a while, taking it all in. My skin feels dirty and everything in my body seems to be throbbing.

I slowly take off my clothes and stand shivering in the shower. Gusts of air flood in through the open window, pillowing the thin powder blue curtains around the room.

Having turned on the shower knobs, I stand facing outwards. The hot water flowing onto my body feels amazing, but all I can think of is Mr Fitzpatrick.

I try to put him out of my mind and think of something else. Anything. Raff and Mazie. Ollie's mystery. Mum. What to do this weekend. But in the back of my head there's a permanent image of his purple face, sweat dripping, blood shot eyes.

I close my eyes and lean back against the bathroom tiles, breathing slowly.

'Mal, you alright?' I hear Raff call through the door.

I clear my throat and quickly stand back up, brushing my fingers through my hair.

'Yea, I'll be out in a minute.' I grab a bottle of body wash from the grubby mirrored cabinet and scrub it relentlessly into my skin.

After I feel cleaner, I step out and look into the mirror. My face is washed out and my mascara's run down under my eyes. I sweep it away, dry myself with a towel and tie up my hair into a wet straggly bun.

'You look better already,' Raff lies as I step into his room in his t shirt. He's sitting upright on his bed, looking up at me. I go and sit myself parallel to him, only a small gap separating us.

A tear traces it's way down my cheek as I shuffle up next to him, until our arms are flush against one another's and place my head on his shoulder. He wipes it away with his thumb, tears filling his own eyes.

I flinch slightly under his touch and he looks hurt. 'Mali.. I would never..' He's frowning, but all I can do is look up at him. There's a heavy lump stuck in my throat and however hard I try to swallow it down, it won't leave.

'Hmmm... guess I am a bit of a slut then.' I manage to croak out with a sad laugh.

Raff doesn't laugh, though. He looks down at me, his face grave. 'Don't say that, Mal. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. You don't deserve any of this.'

Tears are running down his face now. 'What would he have done. Fucking creep, fucking dirty creep. The thought of him touching you makes me sick.'

He has pulled my legs over his lap and is holding me. We're curled into each other, basking in the other one's tears, both of us a wet mess. He cups his soft hand around my neck so our bottom lips are barely millimetres apart.

I feel him shaking under me. 'I've fucked everything up, Mali.'

I press my forehead into his and stroke his curls falling onto the back of his neck. I realise now I want nothing more but to kiss him.

'You'll always have me, Raff. Always.'