Trapped in a poetic mind

The first horrible panic attack

I had a panic attack yesterday
My very first
Hip hip f*cking hurray!

School was the setting
I felt like I was going to faint
After I left my club
But because fainting is a regular occurrence for me
I didn't think much of it
I felt disoriented
Scared
I walked in my classroom with a balance that wasn't there
I felt like I was walking drunk
I made it to my seat and put my head down as I didn't want anyone to see my pathetic face
It was then I realized I wasn't going to faint
As the symptoms should have started to go away as soon as I sat down
I was shaking, my hands were shaking so badly
With a grip on my book, my book was shaking just as much as me
I'm used to shaky hands, I can tell you that
But this was different
I couldn't calm them
I couldn't stop
I just kept shaking

I kept my eyes closed which is a first as I tend to never close my eyes for a period of time unless I'm with someone I really trust
But this wasn't that
I was terrified
I started crying
And then I kept crying
But I was trying to be as quiet as possible because I didn't want anyone to hate me for disturbing them
So it was a sad silent cry with the sound of my body shaking
I remember trying everything I could to stop
I tried to remember everything I read
I counted to 10 and then I counted back from 10
I tried breathing techniques
Everything I could think of
But to almost no avail
It lasted what felt like hours
After maybe 15 mins I started to stir
After 5 more minutes I opened my eyes, head still down
After 6 minutes I lifted my head slowly
Still shaking, I looked at the classroom whiteboard, the one right in front of me
I was terrified
My eyes were blinking excessively
And my body was still shaking
I could feel the pressing eyes of students on me, even though I knew they weren't looking
And if they were, it was with concern not hatred
But I couldn't help it
My mind had created a horror game
And I was merely the player
I stayed in that seat trembling and trying to stay "conscious"
After 10 minutes I felt my body let go
And it over
I was exhausted
I felt relieved
It was over
I had survived
I was safe