Trapped in a poetic mind

Early morning, deep thoughts

Today, I got up early
I don't quite know why
Maybe it was the nudge my body gave me to wake
Maybe it was something else

I don't feel confident today
I wore dark jeans
A plain black shirt
And my rundown boots
Yesterday I at least looked decent
Not today though

I don't feel okay

My mind is telling me today will be a bad day
I try to disagree
There's no point
My mind is an indestructible machine of absurd ideas
I have no power over it
None at all
I might as well be trying to negotiate with a wall

Yet here I am
Sitting in the train
Watching the cars fly by through the window
Seeing the sun awake from it's nightly slumber
I used to wake up early, when I was younger, and watch the sun come up
It never failed to make me smile
It was back when I believed in myself
When I didn't care what people thought
I miss that
I do

Everything is rushing into my head
As the hints of the sun rising begins to show
I talk about being on the train a lot
It's relaxing to have a reason not to care
I don't know anyone here
And that is beautiful
I don't have to pretend
...For 45 minutes...
Still, it's better than nothing
If I can be okay with myself for even a minute
Than thats the most I can ask for
My self image won't change over night
It will take time
That's expected though

My self esteem is pretty bad
Or so I've been told
Let's make a little list of the things I believe

I don't think i'm important
I mean there are so many other people in this world who are better than me

I don't think people should help me
Don't worry about me, I don't need you to go out of your way to help me, I'm nothing

I don't think people like me
I mean who could possibly like someone like me? I'm annoying, pretty dumb, and a failure.

It's common knowledge to me, it is
It's second nature to treat myself this way
I don't choose it, I just forget
That's how it works with me
Everyday, always the same
Just like the sun, it always shows up no matter what happens