Looking for her

chapter 20 : lost

It'd be pointless to say I was lost. It'd also be pointless to say I’ve been acting selfish from the whole beginning. However I’d say it just to remind myself of my own mistakes: I was lost and I’ve acted selfish from the whole beginning.

The only thing I wanted at the moment was to get out of France as soon as possible. Weird idea, right?

Caroline has driven me crazy throughout the days and today was the second day of her ultimate delay. That meant tomorrow I should tell her my decision. Whether I’d stay here with her, whether I’d decide to go back to New York.

You'd say she's the nicest aunt ever. Giving me the choice, acting sweet and soft around me, but I’ve seen her mask. She had put on too much glue, the glue being her excessive gentleness. I still couldn’t understand how in the world I haven’t seen it from day one. I should have been at least a tiny little bit suspicious.

But no.

How desperate I was to find a family and how stubborn I was to think that Yassin wanted to separate me from them!

Pitiful and ridiculous.

Ruminating my feelings alone and regretting my stupid mistakes have become my past times these few days. I couldn’t even paint since I’ve let my canvas and brushes in the hotel. Besides, I didn’t have the heart to. I'd rather just paint a canvas with different shades of black and stare at it from sunrise to sunset with a depressed look.

However instead, I was staring at the yellow mustard ceiling that humidity had decided to paint throughout the seasons.

All I wanted was a solution to get out of this trap tended by a certain Caroline, to begin again with Yassin, to go back to my normality of being an orphan.

I wanted to be an orphan again.

Back in the attic it had hit me, I was, and I’ll always be an orphan no matter what. Because at the end of the day, even if I find my family, I’d be a stranger to them. A complete utter stranger who comes from the US but shares the same blood as them. An orphan that's what I’d always be. At around ten I remembered I have begged Aunty Ruqaya for a family, whatever family, but a family. Someone who'll accept me.

No one had.

So now saying the complete contrary I what my soul and childhood has ever wanted, kind of troubled me a little. However, it eased me somehow: I’ll stay what I’ve always been. Nothing will change and quiet honestly, I appreciated the idea.

Waking up and finding a family that's not even Muslim, around you and wondering what you'd say to them, wasn’t very appealing. The truth was, I was experiencing it with Caroline and Maxime. Plus, they didn’t seem to understand my religion or maybe they didn't want to understand it? All in all, I’d prefer to go back to the orphanage where there wouldn't be a problem, neither of religion nor of conversations. But with Caroline around and only one day left, there was a little of a problem, how will I get out?

I’ve been thinking about it all day and several ideas popped into my head.

First off, fleeing from the house. Needless to say it was a radical way out, for an unexpected situation but then again, where will I go? At the tour Eiffel?

Second idea, calling the police. Even if I don’t speak French. Very clever Karen.

Third idea, calling Yassin. That was realistic but i couldn’t. He had clearly said not come crying and telling him he was right.