Once I remembered, it's like I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop the yells and betrayal and the passing out that played through my mind. I didn't want to say anything for the longest time, blocking it out and ignoring it. It's taken a hold on my mind and I can't stop thinking of how much pain I endured, physically and mentally. I can't stop thinking about how no matter how hot the flame is, their invisible hands are hotter. How no matter how hard I fought my own self, they broke me down in seconds.
How I feel unable to say anything about this, even after it being over a year.
So I'll write this and pretend to forget. Hide every memory in hopes I don't crack open.
I'll write how I was scared, submissive, and straight up too young for this to even happen. But it doesn't matter your age, or who you are; it gets you whenever.
I'll write how I felt scared to say anything, scared of my own self.
I'll write how I had fallen asleep, or was trying to, or even how I had a panic attack or how I passed out.
I'll write how in the end, I'm glad it's so blocked out only bits are remembered.
I'll write how I still look in the mirror from time to time and see a ghost.
I'll write how it's not me, it's you.
I'll write, and I'll write, until I can't even remember why I even tried. Until I can't even remember who'd even bother to care.
I'll write until I remember the present time.
