Sometimes, it all feels quite confusing,
As if my mind doesn't know what emotion to feel,
It doesn't know whether to feel positive or negative.
Everything is confused.
Like now
I'm sitting in an airplane
In the middle of a sky
Over the big blue ocean full of scary things that I try not to think about.
The whole flight I've been thinking forward to when we are landing
And it has been the only purpose of my thinking-
I only pick up my phone to check the time and calculate how long more I have to sit in this small cramped seat with the little kid behind me kicking my seat relentlessly,
I only look out my window to see if there's land beneath us indicating we are close to home,
I only put my head down in hopes of falling asleep to pass time..
Thinking hadn't really crossed my mind.
Everything was simple.
I listened to my music while rereading the book I finished yesterday but I didn't really read it properly because I knew the ending and that kind of ruined the story for me.
Anyways
I started thinking.
It was kind of a mistake but it wasn't because sometimes I like to think about how confusing things are.
One moment I couldn't wait for the plane to land
But then the flight attendant said over the intercom that's way to loud for this time of night that we would be landing in 20 minutes.
I got sad.
And I realised I didn't really want to land.
Here in the airplane is a strange feeling inside my head,
It's peaceful and quiet and everything is simple and nothing bad can't happen because if bad thoughts come into my head I've to push them out because my sister is beside me and I can't let her see me cry because she will tell my mom and I will get sent back to therapy and that can't happen,
I can't stare aimlessly at my phone giving myself a headache and I can't check Snapchat and get upset because my friends aren't online because they're all asleep,
I can't fight with my family because mom and dad are three rows ahead and I don't want to be sitting beside my sister for four hours with tension in the air between us.
So, everything is at peace.
It feels like time has stopped and we will be in this plane forever and that's okay.
I wouldn't mind that.
Maybe I would just want a bit of WiFi so I could text my friends and that's it.
I quite like the idea that when we fly on an airplane, it's like a break from life for a few hours.
You're so limited in what you can do, there's no point worrying or thinking about anything that's outside the plane because you can do anything about it,
You can't speed up the journey, you just have to accept it and go with it,
You can't communicate with anyone outside the metal container you're in;
Everything just stops.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore,
I just wanted to point out how sometimes things are confusing and it's difficult to know which emotions to feels.
That's all.
