dysphoria - joshler

1

Trigger Warning; suicidal thoughts, self harm, eating disorder.

it was a dark and gloomy night, seventeen year old josh was once again home alone with nobody but four grey walls and a dismal feeling in his stomach.

(joshs pov)

i led in bed staring endlessly at my bedroom wall, nothing changes, nothing gets better.

i decided to get changed into my favorite clothes in hopes it would make me feel better, soft comfy black joggers and a black hoodie with a small rose on it.

i sat back down on my bed and realized i kept staring into space which meant i needed something.

i grabbed my box of cigarettes, pulled one out and put it to my lips

i put my shoes on, walked downstairs and out of my front door

lit my cigarette and sat down on a chair.

nothing is worse than this feeling, it's like i'm here but i'm not here

i led back staring up at the dark sky, taking in all the stars.

the ones that shine the brightest and the ones that barely shine at all.

I guess if I were a star i'd be the one that you could barely see, never twinkling or shining bright. would anyone see me at all?

i got up, took a few last puffs of my cigarette and flicked it out of the garden.

i turned around one more time to look at the stars and then headed back inside up to my bedroom.

2:58am

i was in my bedroom sat on my bed.

i'm sick of feeling this way all day every day.

nothing changes and it wont ever change.

I'm hopeless, useless, nobody will ever need me.

i may as well just leave.

i picked up my blade and sliced through my soft skin,

i don't understand why people think i'm trying to kill myself when i hurt myself,

all i want to do is stop the thoughts in my head from taking over.

i don't want to die, i just want it to stop.

after that my vision went black.