dysphoria - joshler

7

we broke away from the hug

there was an eerie silence

but for the first time it wasn't awkward

he looked at me and smiled

I smiled back

but something wasn't right

I immediately felt the guilt come back in my chest

"what's wrong?" tyler questioned me

"nothing" I faked a small smile

"you sure?" he spoke with his eyebrow raised

"very sure" I lied

"are we going to dye your hair then?" he smiled widely

"of course" i tried to sound as enthusiastic as i could

"follow me" i spoke dragging out the last word

i followed him out onto the landing into a huge bathroom

he pulled out a small stool for me to sit on

"here you go child" he giggled

"thank you" i replied

i sat down and he started mixing the powder and the bleach

"are you sure you're okay?" he spoke

i could hear the amount of concern in his voice

"yeah" my lips could no longer form a smile

i stared at the floor wishing i could be home in my bed

"josh" he looked at me with sad eyes

"i'm sorry" i looked down at my worn out black doc martens

"i care about you, i want to know you" he sighed

"i know, and i care about you too but i'm just sort of not ready for anything like this yet. i'm still really emotionally unstable and that would effect anything we had or have" i rubbed the back of my neck

"its okay i get it" he spoke

"we can still be friends though right?" i nervously kept fixing my hair

"of course we can" he smiled

tyler stood up and put the blonde on my hair

after 40 minutes i washed the bleach out

it's better than just brown

"hey ty?"

"yeah?" he replied

"it's getting quite late, i think i should head home" i spoke

"why? we've only just started it?" he looked sad

"I'm really tired" i replied

"i think brendon wants help with his college homework as well" he spoke

i started putting my shoes on

I got up and followed him down the stairs

"text me if you need anything" he told me and smiled

"you too" I spoke walking down the steps

"see you soon jish" he laughed

" bye" I spoke dragging out the last letter

I walked off up the road to my house

I unlocked my front door and closed it behind me

i walked into my living room and my body collapsed onto my couch