dysphoria - joshler

4

after a few days i was let out of the hospital

tyler drove me home and he stayed with me for a while

we talked for hours and hours, he played me his songs and i played my drums

for once in my life i actually had fun and i didn't have to pretend

at around 2 in the morning tyler had to leave to feed his cat but for some reason i knew he didn't want to leave

he stopped in my front porch, "so what are you doing with your life, do you go to college? or have a job?"

"i was going to start college but then i don't know i got too anxious i guess" i replied

"there's a college around the street and there's and open evening soon, do you want to come with me to check it out?" he asked excitedly

"um i don't know" my palms were starting to sweat

"ill text you the details so you can have a look on their website" he smiled

"uh sure i guess" i spoke scratching the back of my head

"see you soon jish." he smiled

i laughed "so you already have a nickname for me now?"

"yeah" he giggled

hes such a child

he put his hand on my shoulder "take care of yourself, i put my number in your phone so please text me if you feel bad or want someone to talk to"

"thank you" i spoke

"goodnight jish" he smiled and walked off my front porch and down the street

i walked back inside closing the door behind me smiling to myself like an idiot

i sat down on my couch, opened my laptop, lit a cigarette and blasted music

tyler texted me the details of the college

so i decided i may as well check it out

after about 1 and a half boxes of cigarettes and a 12 cans of cheap alcohol

then i ended up falling asleep on my couch

3:46pm

my eyes slowly flickered open

i looked at my laptop and pressed play on my arctic monkeys playlist

i looked down at the floor and found a redbull can

i smirked whilst opening the can with one hand and lighting a cigarette with my other

"mhm" a loud cough came from somewhere

i closed my eyes

"josh"

i looked around and saw tyler stood directly infront of me

"where did you come from" i struggled to keep my eyes open

"what happened to you last night" tyler spoke

"uh, nothing" i looked at the ground

"it doesn't look like nothing, but if you dont want to talk about it right now then thats fine"  he put his hands on his hips

"why do you sound so annoyed, did i do something wrong?" i sat up on my sofa still smoking my cigarette, trying to show that i did care

"look at your phone" tyler looked at the floor

i picked up my phone

tyjo: 37 missed calls
tyjo: 29 messages

i put my phone down on the table and put my head in my hands

"im sorry ty"

i felt a weight next to me

"its okay, just please tell me next time what you're doing so i know you're okay" i looked at him

he had a small frown on his face

"i promise" i replied

"so what are we going to do today?" tyler asked

"netflix and chill?" i joked

"sure" he jumped into the seat next to me

"can i tell you something?" i asked looking through my list on netflix

"anything" tyler had a small smile on his face

"do you um support lgbtq?" i asked

"well yeah, im gay" he laughed

"so um im trans and gay" i sat and waited nervously for a reply

"oh my god josh, i didn't even know"

"really?" i smiled

"i thought you were just some really cool cis dude" he laughed

"but you're a really cool trans dude instead" he giggled

"so you don't see me in a different way?" i scratched the back of my head

"no of course not' don't be silly, you don't even look feminine"

"well, i do try my hardest" i laughed

"so is that why you didn't really want to go to the open day in college?" he asked

"yeah, because i haven't gone through all of the medical part of the transition yet so it'd be awkward and obviously because i'm just scared" i spoke

"it's okay i understand" he smiled

for the rest of the day we sat on my couch, watched friends and talked about my transition

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