dysphoria - joshler

5

trigger warning

6:27am

i woke up to sunlight beaming through the window

i was about to get up when i realised tylers' legs were on my lap

the sunlight was sat perfectly on his face

he looked like an angel

i picked up his legs slowly and got up

i put his thin fragile legs back down on the sofa and put a small black blanket over him

i grabbed my box of cigarettes and went outside

i lit one and stood on my porch looking up at the sky

i stood opposite my window to check if tyler was still asleep and he was

i turned to the side and looked around

everything thing around me seems so beautiful

and i'm not sad?

could this be because of tyler...?

oh no

a huge wave of guilt washed over me and wouldn't go away

what if tyler likes me and he thinks i like him?

i cant let another person break my heart and he doesn't even know about what happened

i have trust issues not to mention but the thought of another person loving me and depending on me makes me want to be sick

how could i be with someone when i have all this going on?

it just wouldn't work and it would end up being a mess and id hurt him

him?

tyler?

i turned around to look through the window and i saw him sat up looking at me

he made a small smile but i didn't smile back

his fluffy hair was all over the place

he got up and walked outside

"you okay?" he spoke

"yeah" i carried on smoking

"are you sure?" he sounded more concerned

"yeah" i flicked my cigarette then walked back inside

i walked over to my fridge and grabbed a redbull and sat down on my couch

"josh?" tyler spoke

"hm?" i replied

"can you come here a sec please?" he asked

i got up and turned around

tyler was stood in my kitchen next to my fridge

"do you not have any food at all?" he questioned me

i put my redbull on the counter and put a new cigarette to my lips

"no" i answered him

"do you want to go out and get food?" he spoke

"no, i have no money" i tried to cover up myself as much as i could

"do you even have a job?" i could feel his eyes on me

i lit my cigarette "kind of"

i walked over to my couch and sat down

i opened my laptop and started typing