You made me stop taking the pills I "need". There's no point if I'm feel like shit after what you do to me. You have hurt me. More than anyone ever has. You called me unstable so I might as well prove it seeing as you laugh in my face yesterday when I reply saying I wasn't unstable and that you didn't know what you were talking about.
I woke up early only to lay in my bed listening to some of my favourite songs. Tears escaped the outer crease of my eye and rolled down my temples as gravity pulls them. Why couldn't gravity yank me so hard I disappear into the floor? I guess that's not how it works. I get ready so when the time comes I could just leave. It was 6:30 and I fling my uniform on, brush my hair quickly and tie it into a high ponytail. I jump back into the bed, the heat engulfing me, relaxing my mind. It relaxes me until my mind starts whirring which always ruins my mood.
If I was feeling so fucking worthless when taking the chemicals that were made to make me feel better than it must be the same feeling if I weren't taking them. So I stop. I stop, knowing that I might fall over the edge. I didn't care. George didn't care. No one cares.
Just as I say this in my head George sends me a text saying he loves me and for me to have a good day and that he's coming by the apartment after school. But I didn't want him coming here so I go over to his apartment after school and I sob my heart out to him. I text my parents telling them I was having a night at George's. We lay in his bed with the door closed, his parents checked up on us to make sure we weren't doing anything that they didn't like. George didn't know you but he looks like he was about to find you and knock your teeth out so I take him in my arms and I spent a few hours talking to him and cuddling him. In the darkness our cuddles are like a little touch of heaven, warm, together, cozy. I wish I could extend the night just so I could stay close to him for longer, safe in his embrace. His arms wrap right around me bring a peace I've never known before, a calming of the storms in my heart. It's him that gives me hope for the future. In his embrace I start to believe that there is nothing out there to fear, that all there is is sunshine, beautiful trees and kind people - friends to be.
"Have you taken your medication?" He asks, kissing my forehead.
"Yeah," I lied. The lie kills me it feels like a bug crawling in my stomach, pulling the walls of my stomach and twisting it with guilt. I don't want to lie to him. I'd lose him if I lie to him about something serious like that. I couldn't lose him. He's everything to me.
I'd already lost myself.
I mean nothing.
These words I write on these pages meant nothing.
But I either write to get my frustrations out or my skin took the release.
