"Baby I'm so sorry! I know with everything in me that this child is mine. I should've never doubted that. Please come back to me," I was going crazy and everything was word vomit. I can't control myself around her.
"I love you, Jahseh. I still want to be with you but I'm not good for you anymore. Try to focus on what you've been doing. Your son knows you. He loves you."
"Let me see you guys. Look, I know we both broke our promises but it's not too late. You saved me, and you're the reason I get to save all these fucking kids. Let me be there for you guys," My voice cracked as I cried to her.
It took her a minute to say anything back.
"Jahseh have you noticed that you don't really know anything about me from before I met you?" My heart broke, realizing she was right.
"I've sit through your emotional tantrums while you were in jail and even before then. YOU wanted to talk to your exes instead of checking on your kid. That's why things are like this. Not because of tour or no dumb shit like that. That's why I live with Stokeley, who was there for his birth. That's why I can't let myself love you as much."
"Listen, Azzy. I've done fucked up shit, especially to females. Most of that is from problems with my mother. I've been looking for you since you left. I took some time and I'm really fucking changing. All I ask is that you let me fix things with my son first. If I get nothing else, can I at least get some custody or visits? A relationship with him. "
"Of course. But I can't come to you." How many times is my stomach gonna drop to my ass?
"What? You have to. I'm on house arrest, Ma."
"Oh... me too."
"How did you-"
"Like I said before, you don't know shit about me."
"FaceTime me now. I wanna see him."
"Hold on a minute ." She hung up the phone.
Moments later, she FaceTimes me. I immediately answer and lay myself across my bed with my face in the camera.
"Y-You look so different," she sniffed. I smiled at her beautiful face.
"I'm a changed person, for you. You haven't changed a bit, never needed to." I spoke truthfully.
After we have a little moment, she interrupts it by moving her face out of the camera and it soon shows her bare feet walking on hardwood floors.
"Your toes are ugly," I joked. They were actually really pretty.
"Okay Sasquatch." She giggled.
"Quit playin' wit' me. Where we going?"
Instead of answering, she walks into a dark room and turned the lights on. I see a nursery and get excited when she gets to the crib. She put the phone down so all I could see was the ceiling.
"You've been up this whole time, fat boy?" I could here her muttering, probably picking him up. After some more shuffling, she finally settles down and sets the camera up so all I see is him.
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"Hi, baby boy," I cooed, waving to him as he giggled. Probably at all the tattoos or my purple dreads.
"I'm da da. What's your name, big fella?"
"Azahir (ah-zye) Jahmeir Onfroy. I call him both. He answers to Jah most of the time."
"Holy shit." The last name really had me in tears. This shit is really real. I was to blame but damn. This other person is part of me. He's gonna grow up and make decisions that I've had to make and have his own life separate from mine one day.
"When did you have him?" The fact I have to ask that question rips me the fuck apart.
"August 23rd, 2017."
"Hm. We're all born on the 23rd."
"Yeah," she smiled. She then showed me a tattoo of me and my son's name on her hip with 23 next to it.
"I missed the tattoo?" I laughed solemnly.
"Yeah. It's fine, though. I got it done with Stokeley."
"You know, this wasn't what I meant when I told him to take care of you," I laughed. "I wanna know more about this house arrest shit, too."
"Oh, I lied. I was mad at you. I'll come as soon as I can." She promised.
"I love you," I told her, my voice getting raspy from being tired. Azahir squealed and squirmed right after I said it, making Azzy and I laugh.
"I love you too. I really do, Jah." She kissed our baby's face. I feel like Tarantino been lifted off my shoulders man.
"So tell me."
"Tell you what?"
"Everything I don't know. We can fix this and be a family here in Florida. My mama misses you, she not mad or anything."
"Oh- well it's not much but when I was little, I stayed with my mama but she was real drugged out. I started getting involved in the same shit and fighting a lot. My anger used to get the best of me, that's why I always had the best weed." She chuckled. I smiled and she continued. "I ended up going to different prisons for children and I got my GED in there before I turned 18. I was in there since I was 15 and was supposed to be out when I turned 17 but nobody ever came to get me. Rather than putting me in foster care or some shit like that, I did 6 months dead time with no date. I could literally just leave if someone came to get me. That's when my brother ended up coming to the rescue. I hadn't seen him since I was 13. I stayed with him since my mom was no where to be found and I don't know my dad since he's doing time in prison as we speak. There's a lot more but I'd rather not in front of my son." She gave a small half smile.
"Thank you for opening up to me. I never knew anything like that about you. Wait, so that girl you used to date-"
"That whole relationship was in jail," she finished. I laughed.
"So how did you do in there? Were you more off to the side or did you run shit?"
"A bit of both," she chuckled. "Whenever I felt like it, I could give all those niggas hell. I fought a lot when I first got in there and when I was doing dead time. It's not like they could push my shit back, I just went to solitary confinement. They called it 'Time Out'."
"What the hell?" I snickered.
"What about you? Did you pimp any dudes out in the pen?"
"You gon' stop fuckin' playin' with me, mamas. Goodnight, Azzy."
"Goodnight, Daddy," She waved. I took some screenshots of them and we hung up. I stayed up at least another hour or so going through old pictures of us from my iCloud or in my box from jail, everything she's ever sent me while I was in there.
This girl is definitely the love of my life. I don't know why I hang around all these models and fuck almost every other day. I only want her.
