If I Die

Chapter 1

(Chapter 1)

(UNEDITED)

I ran my hand along the cave’s wall, feeling the bumps and cracks, enjoying the scrapes upon my palm.

“Death…how I long for it.”

“I wish I was dead.”

Their soft voices, silent pleas entered my tiny cave, haunting me.  I looked at the pool of water where the voices came from.

Once, I was like them – I longed for death. The only difference now was that I didn’t wait for death to come; I made it come to me.

I closed my eyes as the voices echoed around me, as they merged and became nothing but a gentle murmur. I released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. Slowly, randomly, I focused on a voice.

“Kill me now, please.”

I turned around and walked towards the puddle, gently opening my eyes. The water shimmered, not giving me a chance to see my own reflection.

I consciously touched my face, wondering what I looked like right now. Did I look older? Was my hair stringy and full of dirt? Frustrated, I shook my head. Who cares about what I looked like now? I was already dead; and probably everyone else who cared.

I closed my eyes as tears blurred my vision. Images danced behind my eyelids – a girl running and stumbling wildly, a girl leaning against a wall, a girl with a gun against her chin, a girl banging her head against the wall and her mouth opening and closing yet no words reached me.

I opened my eyes and found myself staring into a pair of blue eyes and wavy blonde hair. She looked so angelic, serene. At first, I thought I was finally able to look at my own reflection – I’ve been in this cave for so long. The only things I can remember were how I died and my name; and I’m not even keen about the latter – then I looked down, past her face.

The small smile slowly forming upon my lips stopped short as I noticed the blood pooling around her limp body, as I noticed the knife lying inches from her hand. I looked back at her face and slowly the light in her eyes died.

Horrified, I crawled away from the puddle and it shimmered once more, now reflecting the stalactites. I closed my eyes as my whole body shook. I could still feel the cold metal against my skin, the rush of adrenaline and fear when I pulled the trigger.

The voices returned, deafening, taunting me. I clamped my palms against my ears as the voices grew louder.

I slowly wondered what would have happened if I didn’t kill myself. If I pulled the trigger upon my mother instead, would I still be miserable? Or would I be living in a different form of hell?

The voices lapped over one another, echoing all over the place. I dragged my hands down my face and felt blood drip down where my hails have been.

A scream slowly built up inside me, deep from my stomach and reached my throat. I opened my mouth to release it. Unintelligible words left me as I tried in vain to drown out the voices.

Breathing raggedly, my eyes darted wildly around my confined space. I opened my mouth again and screamed.

I’m going insane. I thought to myself and the realization made smile in a way that would have scared anyone, probably even myself.

As the voices died down, I felt the warmth of a fire. I lifted my head and looked to my right. A fire was slowly building as papers flew towards it, feeding it. A woman with long black hair smiled at me wickedly as she threw the last of the papers. She opened her mouth then closed it, this happened a few more minutes until her words reached me.