Get to know you [Amourshipping]

Chapter 11 - Fight

Serena's POV

The next morning, I woke up quite early. It was 5 am. One hour too early. Suddenly, my head was hurting painfully, like, really, really bad, but I did nothing about it. I never do anything about my headaches, even though I have them quite often. Maybe it's just psychosomatic. I don't want to go to the doctor, waste his really important time in which he could help others with serious illnesses, and diagnose me with 'just didn't sleep enough' or 'just imagining stuff'.

Sometimes, my headaches are bad, sometimes just stitching a bit. Had them since the fire, that's why I think it's psychosomatic. I wanted to visit a therapist, but why the waste of time? Also, thinking about it, I don't want a person telling me I need to change. Like who I am is wrong. Even though I don't like myself, I am myself. That's something no one can change, also, being myself is not wrong. I don't get the idea of taking meds that make you less sad, or less crazy. It's like being myself is wrong, and honestly, even though I don't like myself, feeling like I am myself, is the only thing that makes myself acceptable for me. I feel like, if I would try to change myself, I'd give up.

Giving up would be so easy, wouldn't it? Not being there anymore. Maybe die in a car accident, or of a disease. I would never ever try to kill myself. NEVER, because I'm scared of missing my chances of experiencing something, but if the universe really decided to erase me out of it, I wouldn't complain. I'm not afraid of death. It's natural, the only thing we will definitely do. We already are dying, so where's the problem? But then, I think about people, who wouldn't want me to die, who I'd hurt with my death. It's not like I'm loved by many people, but I don't want to hurt anyone, even though this makes me feel like my life doesn't belong to me, like I live to not make someone sad. It feel like my life is a burden, like, even if I wanted to die, I couldn't. The decision wasn't in my hand. I don't want to imagine May and Dawn, crying, and my parents in heaven telling me they didn't want to see me so soon.

Life is so complicated, death so simple. I'm not hurting myself with death. I'm just affecting everyone around. Sometimes, I imagine people's hypothetical reactions to my hypothetical death and completely zone out. It feels like I already died, and my ghost watches the ones affected by my hypothetical death.

No. I can't stand it. I don't want to be the reason to make my best friends cry. I know how much it hurts. I know, sooner or later, I would die anyway, but loosing someone by dying too soon. Thinking, that you could have done something about it, that you could have beaten destiny, and saved your friend or family, sucks. It's the worst feeling ever. A mix of guilt, anger, sadness and the feeling of being about to throw up. Exactly what I feel every day of my life, when I think of my parents.

Suddenly...

beep. beep. beep.

It's 6am. Time to get ready for school.

               —————Time skip—————
At Misty's (05:00 pm):

Work already started an hour ago, but Ash's still not here. When I asked Misty what's wrong, she told me he asked if he could come a bit later, probably to unpack his boxes, so, here I am, working on my own, but I'm not complaining. Luckily, we don't have many customers today, so I'm doing pretty okay on my own. Not like I've been dying to see him... hehe, he.

Whatever, things couldn't be more fine at the moment. Palermo isn't much home lately, Miette acts like I don't exist and ignores me , which means she lets me alone and in peace, I have a lot of fun with May and Dawn and everything is good at work. I finally have order in my life again.

Wow I thought. I was just mopping the floor because one of the customers spilled his coffee before he left, but I stopped in my tracks, when a thought popped into my head. Two years. It took me two years, but it seems like I finally did it. My life isn't chaotic anymore. I finally have a plan, an order.