Get to know you [Amourshipping]

Chapter 23 - Cards on the Table

Even though Ash was late today, his shift ended earlier and he was already home. I took out my phone and looked at the message he sent me

him: come over after your shift is over

So me being the inpatient little thing I am, I hurriedly cleaned up the whole store. Misty left me the keys and went to a friend's place, because she had to look after their pet spider, apparently that's a thing. I wonder how Misty is gonna handle that, since she is absolutely no fan of any kind of beings that grow more than two legs. I still remember that one time in the Café when we heard a cockroach chirping and she immediately jumped onto one of the customer's tables, her foot landing directly in their cheesecake.

Although it was fun to watch, it took months to recover our good image, that we, first of all, did not have a kind of an insect nest in our Café and second of all, Misty was not unprofessional (just sometimes a little, but it has a charm to it).

Anywho, after having cleaned up I changed into my normal clothes, locked the Café and made my way over to Ash. His usually oh so comforting company now felt questionable. I was scared. I did decide to trust him, but I decided to trust someone I don't know too well. It always seemed like I've known him for ever, though it also could have been my hormones. Can I trust him?

I don't know where this is gonna lead me, I just don't want to end up hurt. This was stupid. I am stupid. First this letter in Palermo's office and now this? I thought it was only four weeks that I was in coma, where did the six months come from all of the sudden? This didn't add up. It doesn't add up. This was burried in the past where it belonged for a reason.

I have never been one to believe in things as fate or destiny, but who else might there be to blame right now? I wanna blame someone. If it's God, or destiny, or time, there must be someone to blame. There has to be!

This is childish, as if one of the kids in kindergarten just took my teddy without asking, but that is what I want to be right now. I wanna be that kid that cries over nothing, I just want to let go of the maturity, even if it's just for a second, and be a child, just for a moment, to cry over nothing, but everything at the same time. Cry over things no one knows, cry over feelings, cry over fate, maybe even cry over that teddy. I just want to talk to someone. Talk about myself once and let everything out what I've been keeping in.

I am not a religious person, but God is something I believe in, something I want to believe in, because it's all I have. Confessing sins, washing eyes, mouth and ears, praying five times a day, although I don't do all that, for those who do it it leaves them relieved. The point is: Believing that someone listens to you and forgives you, though he might not even be real, is something that makes us feel better about ourselves, that gives us confidence. We might not know if they are real, but we don't care, because we want to believe that someone listens to us, forgives us, is there when we need them the most. When there is no such person present in our lives, who else is there to turn to?

Some may choose an imaginary friend, some talk to themselves, but the believe in God makes me feel less crazy, knowing that I'm not the only one to believe. In the end we all chose the same imaginary friend. I have turned to God in many points of my life, but in end, it's just me talking to myself, asking myself for forgiveness, because having the feeling that an authority you put above yourself forgives and loves you, leads you to forgive and eventually love yourself, but once you look at it behind the magic, it's hard to actually love yourself.

I finally reached Ash's doorstep. Hesitantly lifting my hand, I knocked on his door, purposely not using the bell because maybe, if he didn't hear the knock, I would have a little excuse to go and could blame it on fate in the end. Maybe I just wasn't destined to come over to his place today, right?